by Little Trouble Girl As St-Valentine's day makes its way around the corner, I dread once again the line that divides between those who have, and those who are losers. Perhaps this does not apply in the male community but among women, those who have are kind enough to remind those who do not what they are missing. Thanks. Full volume on the perkiness: "So, what are you and your boyfriend doing for St-Valentine's this year?" Shake of the head. "Oh." Extra long pause. And then accentuation on every second word: "You don't have a boyfriend." Fake smile. "Well, don't you love being single? I know I did when I was." Now, what I want to know is, how is being single so great when its only purpose is to get some- a goal fulfilled on assumption when you are not single. Ok. Ok. "Love. Happiness. Bla bla bla." You say. I will admit that stuff is great and all but recently, I have had a few realisations that have convinced me to quit my search for love and settle for something else. Something a little less satisfying but a little easier to deal with. The fuck friend.   "Ouch." You say. Well, hear me out and you will see that perhaps you fall in the same boat as me and will want to opt for this same realm of satisfaction.   The first conscientiousizing (if that's a word) revelation I experienced was on a Greyhound bus heading back into Montreal while reading the National Post. There was an article on Danielle Crittenden, author of What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us, who argues that women's liberation has actually left us quite miserable when it comes to our relations with men. For a long time I wondered why my male friends who were feminists actually made me miserable and why I envied girlfriends who were with guys that expected traditional steps in their relationships. Well, this article answered all my questions and further confirmed the conclusion that I had made long ago that all my exes were cowards.   What she spoke of and what had been on my mind was men's fear of the big C. Commitment. She explained that because Women's lib gave us the option to sleep around justifiably, we have allowed men to reason that they do not need relationships to get laid. Now, I was not there at the time but television does not lie and it tells me that up until the 1950s, young men who sought relationship-free sex were only able to obtain it from either prostitutes or the local 'easy' girl. In our new liberated times however everyone does it. It is assumed. Whereas before good girls were divided from bad girls by whether or not they would have sex before marriage, now the division is decided by how many positions she is willing to do it in and in how many orifices she is willing to let you stick it in. Because of this, there is no longer the difference between girls you sleep with and girls you marry. You sleep with all of them. You marry none of them. And if you are 'liberated' enough you tell her you do not believe in relationships, you are not done 'developing' your identity and therefore you need to be with more than one partner. The truth is that all that post-modern rhetoric, all that deconstruction of the idea of relationship, all that flaky crap, is actually a cover up for the fact that these feminist boys are cowards, retrieving from the possibility of being happy. Terrified of the idea that another person, not Foucault nor Nietzsche, can complete them. Unfortunately, and realisation number two, these are the boys I am attracted to and fall for.   Danielle's answer: Born-again virginity. If women as a (gag me with a spoon) sisterhood would withhold sex from men, then men would learn that it is going to take more than fuzzy feelings to get us into bed. They will learn that we want relationships. The problem and Danielle recognises it is that to actualise this change all women need to participate in this endeavour. Otherwise, those few who do will simply get nothing. My problem, and also realisation number three, I like sex.   Therefore The better answer: The fuck friend.   "Well, isn't that the same as all those post-modern boys you slept with?" You ask. Not really. See, with those guys I thought eventually I would find one who did believe in something bigger. Now, I am saying none of them do and I am just going to sleep with them. When they ripen and yearn for something bigger, I will still be here. The simple fact of the matter is that those boys stay boys a lot longer than other boys. So, I will wait for them.   However, as I made this fourth realisation, that is that the fuck friend is the only way to go, I was confronted again with a great problematic: Who will that double f be? The choice fell between three types of candidates and each presented its own complications. The catch 22; The first is the friend. I have a prospect. He is in a few classes with me. He is cute. We get along but we also disagree on enough that I would never want to be serious about him. I fantasized about sending him notes in class reading "Wanna fuck?" and dragging him down to the basement washrooms to demonstrate my seriousness on the topic. But then I began to think what if he is only mediocre as a lover, what if he is not into what I am into, or worse what if he is...small. Then, I would be confronted with having to explain why I wish to end our arrangement. I would not be able to use the 'I only like you as a friend' line. That's what we are! Worse than that, once I would get rid of him I would be back to the searching game, one of the essential reasons of why I took on the fuck friend scheme in the first place. Clearly, the friend is a bad choice. The Ex; The idea of retrieving an ex for the fuck friend duty has its merits. Hopefully you are still attracted to him. The 'first time' where you feel either awkward or overly demonstrative has already been taken care of. And finally, he can't lie to you too much about his history. The problem in my case was that of my first two choices one I was still in love with and the other I have thought of at least twelve hundred ways to kill him. As for the rest of them, I would have no idea how to find or reach them. Maybe I planned it but somehow they were almost all completely disconnected from my circle of friends. So much for the Ex. The Anti-Social Welfare State; Prostitutes. This one was quickly resolved. "No," the woman on the other end of the line replied, " you cannot declare sex as a need for your Quebec student loan." Somehow food makes it on the list but sex does not. If I had an answer to my dilemma, I assure you I would not sound this bitter. However, I am clueless as to how I will get out of this one. That is all I can conclude with. Duh? You expected something bigger, something to fix your problems? I apologise and all I can tell you is that this St-Valentine's Day if I get one perky chick asking me what I doing with my boyfriend, I will smile and answer: "Unfortunately, I have an assignment to write tonight so my hand will be busy."