Dining Out   When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the UN-WAXED paper cup, and pour slowly so as not too bruise the fruit of the squeezens. When drink'n directly from the bottle, it's best to present it in its original paper bag. If you went and used the paper bag in the outside accommodations, then always hold the bottle 'tween yer thumb and trigger finger. Yer other three fingers should always be held straight out so's not to appear sissy-fied. Personal Hygiene   While y'ears 'n' yer teeth needs to be tended on a regular basis, this here's a job that should be done in privacy. For y'ears, use yer truck keys. Don't use yer keys on the ears of any large farm animals cuz they sometimes get slippery cuz of all the WAX. Fer yer teeth, Ifen ya caint find yer tooth pick, yer buck knife will do in a pinch.   Generous use of toiletries can make bathing unnecessary for several weeks. . .less ya been skunk hunt'n. It's a good idea to keep a few commode cakes, like ya see in the fancy public necessary rooms, 'round the house. Ya can sew them in the armpits of yer work shirt and be assured ya won't offend anyone for months.   Dirt and grease under the fingernails tends to make folks look back-bred and 'sides it dee-traks from a woman's jewelry and can 'fect the taste of pig crisp'ns and sipp'n whiskey. Public Necessary Rooms   It is considered over-friendly to start a conversation with the feller on the next commode, particularly when he is in mid-deposit. Never sing "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" while seated. Never rest yer head on the wall while stand'n 'fore the urinal. If there is a feller want'n to dust ya off and spray ya will perfume, let him do it. Thank him, an' ask if'n ya do the same fer him. At the Table   If'n some of the kin are a bit tetched, don't sit'em next to anyth'n sharp or on fire. The finger bowl should always be passed from right to left. A centerpiece for the table should never be anyth'n prepared by a taxidermist or som'um scraped off'n the road. Wed'n's   Tractor parts, fishing lures 'n' livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wed'n gift. For the groom, at least, rent a tuxedo. Yer local undertaker has 'em in all sizes. 'Cept ya gotta be careful to keep yer back to the folks that's watch'n the proceed'n's. A nylon store-bought suit with a bowl'n shirt and a starched toilet paper in place of a handkerchief, tends to create a tacky appearance.   Even though they are uncomfortable, its best to wear shoes. The undertaker has some mighty comfortable styles. They's comfortable cuz they aint got no back sides in the heel area. Jest paint yer work socks black 'round the heels and nobody will notice. On the Wed'n Night   Always make sure ya wear a clean pair of shorts. In a pinch ya can use ordinary black board chalk to cover any stains caused by yer own leav'ns or the ink from yesterday's newspaper. It's best to leave the hounds at home cuz all that nuptial carry'n's-on cause 'em think yer 'bout to strangle a possum. Remember to always tell yer mate they make ya happier then the rest of the farm animals. While on a paved road   When near'n a four-way stop, the vehicle with a full-up gun rack has the right of way. Never tow another car using the Misses' rubber sanitary bag. If yer truck breaks down it is considered gentlemanly to let the Misses wear yer boots when ya send her down the road with a can to the gas station. Other Graces   Never wear a blood stained cloth'n when yer about to meet folks for the first time. Remove yer chew'n tabakee before ya sit in the dentist's chair. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. It is still considered tacky to transport the coffin behind the hay baler. General Rule of Thumb   Always make sure there's a chair 'fore ys sit, the target's downwind 'fore ya spit . . . and never ever trust a proctologist who wears WAX lips. Andersen   -30-