TheWax.com: Andersen's Eye

It's seldom the News-anchor who speaks the following lines, but rather a sub-altern who utters, "More on that and other stories after the break."

The visual consumer accepts the utterance as part of the price paid to participate with the great time parasite known as Television. "The Break" used to be referred to as "After these commercial messages."

Before that it was "After station identification." Break indeed. Say it like it is: "We are now going to try to sell you something but if we tell you directly, we are afraid you might change channels."

The sincere looking sub-altern smiles slightly, the screen quick-fades to black and the lurid procession of commercials commences. The male Hominid is reminded the quickest way to scrape nature from the face is with a new triple-bladed razor. The female Hominid is reminded that her scent might offend other Hominid and propriety dictates she purchase a product called, "Spring Morning." More well-crafted entreaties to purchase follow mixed with "Program Promotions." The insidious amalgam of greed and artifice ends. The screen quick-fades to black.

And we see the "Set" (as in theater) which usually features some kind of desk. The desk allows the News-reader to comfortably articulate the scrolling of the 4 or 5 word lines that are projected in front of the video camera lens. The News-anchor may approve the copy, but it is usually the product of a person way, way behind the lens.

The red "Tally-light" blinks on, The News-anchor, laden with pancake makeup, nods slightly, and reads what has been written for him or her. In this case it is a him. His bald spot is carefully de-emphasized with the judicious application of a cosmetic spray paint that fools the eye into assuming the fellow has more hair than what's there.

Want to drive a News-anchor berserk? Send him a letter that says very politely, "I have noticed your hair seems to be thinning a bit. My uncle Elmo had the same problem and he applied "Bag Balm" twice a day and in 3 months he had a full head of hair." This will send the fellow into fits of phone calls to the hair transplant specialist, and consultations with the hair stylist on the best way to address the issue. If the viewer sends a letter stating the News-anchor made an egregious error in fact, the News-anchor will seldom seek consultation regarding a questions of fact...

Sad isn't it.

Back To "The Set"

The News-anchor is wearing a gray, black and white British Regimental tie. It is the tie of the distinguished military unit called "The Artists' Rifles." {1/28th, 2/28 and 3/28th Battalions of The London Regiment, T.F.} In the UK it is a major social gaff to wear a tie to which one is not entitled. After the sub-alter informs the viewers "We will be right back after the break", I saunter to the telephone, call the station's hot line and obliquely imply I represent the interest of the British Government and diplomatically inquire as to the credentials of the chap with The Artists' Rifles tie. I am transferred to the Producer.

Producer (P): Can I help you?

Andersen (A):[... Does this person know the difference between May and Can ..?] With whom am I speaking?

P: This is Ben.

A: This is Neville Kent-Eton, Ben. I noticed your reader is wearing The Artists' Rifles Tie. I wonder if you might be so kind as to tell me under what circumstances the fellow was granted the privilege of wearing this tie?

P: Who's this and who're you with?

A: This Neville Kent-Eton, I am presently alone. Why do you ask?

P: No, I mean who you do you represent?

A: I represent British interest. I notice the reader is wearing The Artists' Rifles tie and I am a bit puzzled as to the circumstances that preceded this honour?

P: Whada-ya-talk'n about?

A: [ ... I let the May-Can misuse slide, should I remind him about ending a sentence with a preposition? No the poor fellow already seems to have his knickers in a knot ...] The tie.

P: What tie? Where? You talk'n 'bout sports scores?

A: No. I am referring to the badly tied, four-in-hand, tie presently being worn by your reader.

P: You want to know about the tie Frank is wearing?

A: Ah. You've got it.

P: Whada-bout-it?

A: Would you please be so kind as to give me the name and postal address of the owner of the station?

P: Why?

A: I'm sorry. Your surname was ..?

P: I told you. Ben!

A: [ ... This news professional does not know the difference between a given and a surname ... Sad isn't it.] Thank you Ben. It has been a pleasure chatting. The exact time now, for our records is 0827 hours Greenwich Mean Time.

P: Wada-ya-mean, meantime?

A: [ ... This news professional has difficulty with the concept of time... Sad isn't it.] Thank you. Goodbye.

Epilog

Since that conversation, the News-anchor has never worn a "Rep" or Regimental tie. However, on April 1st, he did wear one similar to that given to Slick Willy by Miss Monica.