Mak Faene Welcome to Québec; bienvenue au Québec. What is about to be told in the following piece is the truth, though to many of you, who do not live it every day, it may seem like some kind of unbelievable fiction. The kind of ridiculous fiction you could not fathom being true in this day and age, in a civilized society, but then most of you have probably never visited Québec.   "La Belle Province" once proclaimed our provincial license plate, and a beautiful land it is; even though now the license plate states "Je me souvien". The latter is not a touristy phrase conceding the beauty of this northern splendor the way the former does. No, "Je me souvien" speaks of that loaded word that we are all too familiar with here in Québec; Nationalism. Not so much a political ideal as a whiny flag waving credo for whiny humans that need to feel some sort of segregated belonging to a larger group.   Here's the nutshell: A long time ago, French colonists stole this little North Eastern paradise away from its aboriginal people. Then British colonists came and stole it from the French. All three groups continue to live there, pissing on each other as often as they can, to this day.   Québec Nationals are the strong minority of French speaking Québec residence who want to break away from the country of Canada and form their own independent (third world, some might say) country. Some have legitimate thoughts on the subject, some are just followers but the general feeling is that most are just focusing their daily angst into solidarity against the most likely culprit of their unhappiness; the evil English!   Speaking of which, let's not forget the opposite team. The fight fire with fire team of English speaking Montreal based WASPs who like to stir things up and get both sides angry at each other over trivialities. And their proud and delinquent leader who wears the Canadian flag as a cape and stages mob rallies in local shopping malls to intimidate 16 year old store clerks who work for minimum wage in boutiques that only post French language signs.   French signs, only. That deserves some attention right there, don't you think? There is a law in Québec that prohibits establishments from posting any signs other than in the French language facing out doors. In addition to this, any signs in doors with another language on them must be one third the size of French postings.   Think about that for a second, please.   Think about just how nuanced this stupidity has gotten. You can post a sign that says "Welcome" but the font size has to be three times smaller than the sign above it that says "Bienvenue". This is an enforce law.   And who are the Thought Police who run around writing up tickets for these horrifying infractions upon social order? The notorious OLF. The Office of the French Language (Office de la Langue Française).   Fact: A bakery store owner in a multicultural suburb of Montreal, has for years had a door to his bakery scribed with a word of greeting in something like twenty languages including English and French. He's been in court with the Québec government now for years over it.   Fact: If you move to Québec from elsewhere, you do not have the right to an English education. You must be schooled in French.   Fact: The OLF is now attempting to crack down on internet web sites based in Québec and make them change their content to French. Anybody know a good translator?   Fact: That Canadian, flag wearing, loser mentioned earlier, (who I'll not dignify to name in this article), opened a novelty shop in Québec that sold Canadian memorabilia and that had exclusively English signs.   Fact: The store went under in a matter of months. Apparently no one gives a shit. Shut up and go home, jerk.   Fact: The OLF issued a guide to writing restaurant menus in French. The menu guide's authors took some liberties and when confronted with the word "Hamburger" among others. They invented their own word: "Hambourgeois". So if you're a tourist visiting Québec, and you're just looking for a simple hamburger for lunch, just point at the "hambourgeois" on the menu. Don't bother trying to pronounce it. It sounds just as retarded in French as it does in English.   Fact: During the last provincial referendum on the sovereignty of Québec, the vote was dangerously close to going the way of independence. It was later found out that many votes opposing the separation from Canada had been thrown out by the ballot counters. Real nice.   Facts aside, the attitude in this province is just astoundingly hypocritical. We all work together, dine in the same restaurants (on hambourgeoises) and socialize together at gatherings. We all cheer for the same sports teams, beat up the same tourists, smoke the same contra ban cigarettes. We all drive like idiots, speak Frenglish (a meld of English and French that no one really wants to acknowledge exists but which is quite common and fun, if you ask me: "Hey man, ce party sur le weekend était bien cool!") and we all share the same weather. Yet for some reason, when it comes to politics, these walls go up and we regroup into clans of people who only share one thing instead of dozens; their mother tongue.   I'm off to get a poutine for lunch, then I think I'll go watch the Olympic Stadium fall apart and cap the night off at the Jazz Festival. Bonjours!