Kenneth Pike So, you want to be a philosopher.   How often one hears that in the course of one's life! Well, now you, too, can be a wise guru, whopper-flopper, college professor, or whatever you choose in just a few simple steps!   "Philosophum non facit barba."   Plutarch said that - it's Latin for "A beard does not a philosopher make." He was absolutely right, too! Philosophy is not necessarily something you understand with age, and it is not something you can just invent by being obnoxious (contrary to popular belief). Oh no. The road to becoming a true philosopher is paved with careful consideration, thorough questioning, and the ability to quote things in Latin without regard to the language your listeners actually speak.   "Aut disce aut discede"   Don't know where this one originated, but I like it. Philosophy is all about learning; it is about deciding what you will accept as valid teaching, and it is about teaching others. As a philosopher, you will come to believe certain truths. But it is important to remember that your job in teaching others is not to convert them to your way of thinking - only to convert them to your way of deciding what to think. Oh, it means "Learn or get out."   "I cannot believe in a God who does not dance"   Friedrich Nietzsche said it to piss people off, which is pretty much what philosophers do. We philosophers do not tell people what to think - we tell them what we think and then we ask stupid questions like "Why?" to make them think for themselves. This is highly offensive, as forcing someone to think is something only a filthy sadist would do. Often, people will react with eggs and rotten cabbages and sometimes hemlock. Note: philosophers are highly allergic to hemlock.   "And when you think about it, how much damage could a large, slow-moving mountain of ice do to a city?"   Squat, a member of the Terrible Thunder-Lizards, said it. He was not a philosopher. But he was extremely funny. Which is beside the point. In the end, philosophy is a lot like a glacier - the effects usually take several lifetimes to see, but they're hard to overlook in retrospect. Philosophers built the bases of chemistry, biology, physics, mathematics, and even law; all through influencing others to, at least occasionally, ask a few crucial questions at a key moment. WE CONTROL YOU ALL! BWAHAH! ahem. Sorry.   "The first step to wisdom, is to admit that you know nothing at all"   Oh, lots of people said that one. If "Why?" is the keystone of philosophy, this is the cornerstone. You must be like a child - ready to learn, to question.   You must explore the world within and without. You must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.   "Uh, sir? We found the jade monkey. It was in the glovebox." Another hilarious cartoon character said that. He also was not a philosopher. So if you'll give me a moment to contrive something here...   Ah, screw it to the wall. Just grow a beard.