Simpson's Vinyl
Level 42 - Running In The Family

Simpson's Vinyl

Grocery Day

Level 42 - Running In The Family [Classic]

Prior to getting married I spent four years living with two good friends. One of the more difficult tasks to coordinate in this shared living gig was the food shopping. Fortunately roommate Duane managed this task like a military operation. Every Thursday roommates Peter, Duane and myself would meet at the grocery store to manage this task. I took it upon myself to make this a weekly adventure.

We would frequently see fabulously attractive young women purchasing food... Just like us only we were not fabulously attractive or women. On this one occasion we crossed paths in the meat section with this rather exotic looking dark haired, dark eyed jewel of a babe-o-graph. At first I felt I was the only one of us who had noticed her but on turning down the soup aisle where we could clearly express ourselves we all agreed that we had been challenged not to drool and stare hopelessly at her. Knowing full well that she was either a bitch, a psycho, spoiled or hitched to the owner of 7 Porsche Turbo Carreras we felt we did not have a chance in hell so...

Well the next best thing right? Like kids in elementary school we felt we had to get her attention anonymously. What does that get you? The simple satisfaction of knowing you actually had some effect on her life. Be it little, it is still a little something that will make her think back and wonder...?

So as we started down the toiletries aisle we carefully placed 4 tubes of Vagasil beneath the bread in our shopping basket. Giggling like little girls we set out to find this enchanted female. We put an immediate halt to the giggling as we did not find it becoming to ourselves, all things considered. Then we spotted her turning up the frozen foods section and the ultimate opportunity was there. She had innocently left her basket to get some ice cream and the refrigerator was a good 30 feet from where she left her basket. We quickly designated me to handle the task. I grabbed the four tubes and began a rapid walk towards her basket then I heard Pete say my name rather abruptly so I looked around to see that she had changed her mind. Fortunately I was thinking quickly and I made like I was looking at the bird food on the bottom shelf next to me. She walked right behind me which allowed me to easily conceal the Vagasil but forced me to make like we were going to purchase some bird food.

As I stood up she moved her basket to within a foot of me, she then turned to walk back to the Popsicle fridge. I wasted no time. I turn and slipped the Vagasil under her two loaves of bread then I hot stepped it back to our cart. Upon arriving at our cart I had to ask the boys to cut out the schoolgirl giggling thing as it was really getting ugly and we shouldn't risk drawing attention to ourselves. They settled it down in a snap.

Now we were met with a new challenge. How were we to complete our groceries and make sure we were close enough to observe her reaction when going through the check out counter without us looking too conspicuous? Well as it turned out that was not too difficult. We managed to stay an aisle behind her and still do our own groceries without a hitch.

She was in check out line #5 and we were in #6, we passed through the cash at exactly the same time. We all watched like hawks as she placed each item one at a time onto the moving counter. Then she reached for the bread and revealed the Vagasil. We started a small giggling session that we managed to keep under control. It was obvious that she was puzzled but she did not move. She took a moment to think over how she was going to handle this. Then she started slipping the four packages of Vagasil behind the people magazines. She displayed incredible multitasking abilities as she still managed to keep a steady flow of groceries going to the counter while she slipped the last of the Vagasil onto the magazine shelf. We could clearly see the relief on her face as she looked through the last few items in her cart and see the complete absence of Vagasil.

When we got out of the store we all had a good howl except for Duane who maintained the schoolgirl giggle approach. So I would say that when she looks back and repeats that story she either thinks someone with a really bad infection mistook her cart for theirs or some fucking juvenile morons successfully humiliated her. Either way, I am sure she thinks about that event at least once a year.

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