by Viki Reed
You stockpiled all the food supplies could; but Y2K proved to be as exciting as fourth place in a bake-off; and now your supplies can be handily dispatched by the Men of The House. When you leave them to watch The Super Bowl and Sports' 1999 Year-End Round-Ups; don't expect a normal kitchen when you return. Go with the gagging feeling when you're forced to taste their recipes. Think of these Y2K-Football Recipes as stuff you won't have to eat for another thousand years.
These delicacies are inspired by a catered BBQ that The Man of The House attended six years ago.
6 Huge, raw, sooty potatoes
1 Bottle BBQ Sauce
1 Corona Long Neck
Do Not Peel
Slice potatoes length-wise.
Soak slices in BBQ Sauce.
Place raw slices on pre-heated BBQ Grill until burnt remnants glue potato matter to dirty grill.
Chew, spit-out, chug an entire beer.
DEEP FRIED POTATO LARD CAKES:
This treat was the unfortunate consequence of making Potato Slicers. You will need a food-processor for this one.
5 Whole, sliced, BBQ Potato Slicer left-overs, preferably those allowed to sit on stove all night...
1 Gallon oil
1 Plastic Spatula
Take slicer left-overs and toss in a food processor.
Walk away from food processor, forgetting it for 18 minutes.
Remove pulverized matter from food-processor, mold with unwashed hands into 'cake' shapes on dinner plates.
Place in freezer for three hours.
Heat oil in spaghetti pot, (thereby ruining pot with burnt oil stains), to a temperature of 6000F.
Remove Slicer cakes from freezer.
Pry off of plate with a salad fork, snapping shards off, toss in oil from across the room.
Cook for 28 minutes straight, untouched, look for 'bubbling or sizzling' activity around edges of Slicer cakes...
Dip plastic spatula into hot oil and 'flip' over the potato 'cakes'.
Watch in utter disappointment and helplessness as Slicer cakes dissolve and break apart into what is now a potato-oil-syrup.
Turn fire off.
Stare at pot, wondering what you can do to salvage this food.
Accept that it is no longer food.
THE ABORTION PIZZA:
1 Deep Fried Calzone
1 Gallon of vegetable oil
Calzone ingredients of your preference
First, acquire a left-over deep-fried calzone; they should be drenched with congealed oil.
Slice the cold, day-old, calzone down the middle.
Perform a mozzarella, tomato, and ricotta abortion; put the aborted contents of the calzone aside.
Bite the cold, left-over, calzone dough out of curiosity.
Spit out disgusting, room-temperature, dough in hand.
Look at it, then toss chewed dough in trash-can; moving on with your life.
Roll-out unused fresh pizza-dough into a circle, pounding with flats of unwashed palms.
In center of pounded, dirty, pizza dough circle; place the fried calzone remains.
Fold dough over abortion pizza remains and seal.
Place in oven at BROIL for 25 minutes, or until smoke starts to billow out of the kitchen.
Eat with a straight face.