Wisdom Through Humor
Nothing But Mammals

Hans Castro

I sincerely meant this as a poetic ode to cough syrup, that fabled concoction the FDA lovingly refers to as "the Law-Abiding Citizen's Ecstasy", "the really REALLY Poor Man's Crack", and "the Acid your Mommy will Happily Share with You." But as it so often happens when one has recklessly gone over the limit, and wildly taken two or three extra spoonfuls of the stuff, I hopelessly digressed. All the same, it's only fair that I set up the stage for my syrup-induced ruminations on human nature, animal behavior, and fornicating orangutans.

It's 2 in the morning, and an unfortunate victim of a particularly nasty case of the summer cold lies in the dark, flipping through TV channels rhythmically, fascinated by the pretty colors on the telly.

(For the oddly sane person out there who sleeps during decent hours, let's just say that late night TV is infomercial wasteland.)

"The Amazing Broominator will track down your dust and execute it guerilla-style!"; "The Fantastic Abdominizer will tighten your intestines and pound your stomach into submission!"; "The Thrilling Spiffomatic will get rid of your spouse AND dispose of the evidence! All for $19.95!!!" After a few flipping minutes, you just don't need the cough syrup to knock you out. Flip, flip, flip.

Suddenly, lo and behold, monkeys are doing it on the Discovery Channel. Stop.

Now, this isn't a rare, one-of-a-kind bestial porn extravaganza. The Discovery Channel is legally required to show animals doing the nasty at least three times a day; should they fail to comply, Amanda the Endangered Panda would perish in a devastating "accident" involving "over-zealous PETA members" who try to help the "friendly Chinese bear" off its "amazing black-and-white dreamcoat." Or so one would suspect while under the influence of the good medicine.

I'm certainly not the first to remark upon this insidious phenomenon of deviance; I can think of at least three pop songs involving the Discovery Channel and mammalian hanky-panky, so I'm not going to be the whistle-blower on this or anything. Instead, I'm going to share this thought with you:

Are we as a nation so horribly perverted that good old fashioned sex between human beings is ultra-censored and "wrong" and looked at with guilt and distrust and fear; but monkeys shamelessly getting it on all over TV is okay?!?

Consider Mr. A. Mr. A is an average middle aged man, with a wife, three kids and a well regulated lawn. Mr. A also has an extensive collection of artsy porn flicks, starting in the 60's with that classic of hippie free love, "Woody Stock."

Before you start thinking: "Pervert! Death to the sicko!", consider Mr. B. Mr. B. is also an average, middle aged man, except he has a horse, three sheep and a well-kept barn. Mr. B fanatically tapes every Discovery Channel show. He particularly enjoys seeing elephants clumsily get their freak on, which always makes him pant: "OH YEAH, ME LIKEY!"

Seriously, whom would YOU want as a neighbor?!?

I thought so.

And now back to cough syrup:

"Oh cough syrup, oh cough syrup,
You sure make me wanna stir up,
With your colors warm and mellow
You sure make me wanna bellow,
Up and change the scenery,
Operate heavy machinery,
And whenever life is tough,
There you are, to cure my cough!"

Well, it ain't Robert Frost, but I'm sure HE didn't have to deal with gorillas loudly banging away on the background, so don't complain.


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