Wisdom Through Humor
Clean Confrontations and Wet Shakes

by Jon "on the john" Dy

Justification for excessive analysis of washroom occurrences: Alright... I don't know what my problem is, but I feel as though I must address the issue of public washrooms now. Honestly people, I don't have some sort of fetish towards washrooms, or what goes on in washrooms. I have had a couple of experiences with strange situations in public rest rooms, and I feel that some of you might benefit from hearing these stories, so as to prepare you for when your time comes to deal with a washroom episode of your own.

Okay, I know some of you actually wash your hands after dispelling your fecal/urinal waste bits, so this part of Toilet Time is dedicated to you in honor of your desire for cleanliness. On the other hand, I know for a fact that there are some loathsome individuals who like to crap 'n run. These individuals can learn a thing or two from reading this. I don't know about the female species 'cuz I haven't been in a women's washroom in months, but I have seen guys urinate and walk straight outta the washroom without washing (ok, I haven't actually SEEN them urinating but I knew they were standing at a urinal near to me. Had to clarify that one!). They pee and flee! GUYS... YOU JUST TOUCHED YOUR PENIS! (*gasp*, Jon said penis!) Please! Cleanse your tainted hands! There is one universal rule that we all should live by, and that's to wash your hands once the pee-pee process is completed. I may be mistaken but I do believe that might be one of the Ten Commandments. The reason why I'm so very adamant about this rule is because if I were to meet and greet a non-washer with a hand shake, and then find out that he is a non-washer, I might be forced to wash my hand for days - then kill the bastard! Why do you think JFK got shot? He was a non-washer! (Factual evidence for this claim may be lacking, but I stick to it nevertheless).

On a related issue, the use of any of the various forms of drying one's hands may not be trustworthy. Picture this: I just finish my business at a urinal and proceed to wash my hands. If I'm lucky that day, the soap dispensers actually have soap and there is an ample supply of paper towels at my disposal. On a typical - unlucky - day however, there will be no soap in any of the dispensers, some of which might contain some kind of fluorescent colored, pasty sludge that we are supposed to think is soap, and the method of drying to be used is a hand/face dryer of the censor variety. This is a total peeve of mine... Censor operated hand dryers. Half the time you're using one of these things, you're fighting to keep it on, waving your hands in search of that damn censor and in the meantime, a line-up is actually forming behind you. It is my belief that this is where non-washers are created. Oh yes, this is the turning point, the transition phase if you will, of going from being a washer to a non-washer. They don't wanna wait for a blow dryer!

Sometimes I'm in a hurry so I just can't take the time to wait until my hands are fully dried, so I do a half assed job and exit, but this is where I get screwed, my friends. See, I actually cared for washing and drying my hands in there but this all goes unnoticed if I meet someone I know upon my return to the outside world. If contact is made with my semi - wet - due - to - undried - water - not - piss hand, the person may be led to believe I am a non-washer! And this has happened before. I don't know what the guy's reaction was to my wet hand shake, but if I were him, I would be kinda disgusted by shaking a guy's wet hand who just came out of the washroom.

What I'm trying to say here folks, is my wet hand is actually washed, whereas non-washers are greeting people and shaking people's hands around the world without the greetee knowing that what he/she is doing is shaking the greetor's non-washed hands! What the greetee might as well do is skip the hand shake ritual and penis shake him instead! Yeah, sure, shake that greetor's penis because that's basically what's going on here!

The message I'm trying to relay to you here is for the guys out there... Start washing your paws as a post-piss procedure. It'll be very much appreciated. The lesson to be learned here is that nothing is as it seems... And apparently clean handshakes can be 'more than meets the eye'... Like a "Transformer", only not even closely related to a "Transformer", except for the Optimus Penis Germs being transferred in the shake (Okay, I realize how stupid that 'joke' was, even if you're a "Transformer" fan, so just forget it. I wrote this at 4 A.M. so just let it slide). You could also think you're shaking someone's urine drenched hands when you're really just shaking his recently cleaned, but not yet dried hands. The lesson I learned from all this is that what I just wrote is ludicrously ridiculously preposterously absurdly ridiculously ludicrous! The sad thing is that I'm not done with the topic of toilet talk... Stay tuned.


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