Wisdom Through Humor
Bringing Out The Breast In Us

Justin Guy

I'm pretty sure that in the summer heat as I was driving my decrepit automobile through the clogged avenues of Montreal I got a shot of breast.

Libido reaction takes precedence over all other male reflexes. I don't care if you're a monk deep in meditation while performing heart surgery, if you catch a shot of bare breast, you're crackin' the fat.

I nearly drove into a fire hydrant. My girlfriend in the passenger seat didn't mind my taking another spin around the block to have another look. She was as curious as I was as to whether or not we'd seen just what we thought we'd seen. By the time we made our second tour, the assailant had disappeared (probably for the best) but I'm quite sure none the less that I did, on that hot summer day, bear witness to a public display of female toplessness.

I recall the controversy a few years ago in our neighbouring province of Ontario in which women were taking it off in an effort to legalize female toplessness. I can't remember how that turned out. Frankly it doesn't matter. All the liberal women move to Montreal anyway. Where was I?

Right, so here in Quebec, to the best of my finite knowledge, it's legal for female humans to bare their breasts to the gen pop. Do most women participate in this right? Save your tourist dollars, the answer is: No. Why not? Here's my two part theory:

Women know the power of the breast. It's concentric, perfect construction... It's hypnotic undulation... It's warm soothing malleability... Mommy... It's boundless variety... Did I just say "Mommy?"

Hang on, let me gather my thoughts. Okay.

So, again the power of the breast. Slurred speech, reduction of motor skills, blood redistribution away from the brain; all very handicapping effects on heterogeneous males caused by the presence of bare breasts. Why run the risk of allowing men to grow used to these weapons of mass distraction? I mean the internet is taking care of that to one extent but there's just no substitute for the "in the flesh" real thing. If the majority of women went about their day to day lives comfortably topless, then this power could be lost due to desensitization.

Men on the other hand have a more simple reason for not wanting women to adopt a topless public regime. We will try at any cost to avoid thinking of our Mom's as women. If Mom walks by without a shirt on and we see that she's got breasts just like Girlfriend - this does not work for us. This would be similar to the sobering effects of seeing your sister in a porno movie - all very, very wrong.

It's a complex and highly psychological theory, I know. What's my point? I don't think I ever really had one. I just wanted to talk about the time I saw a chick's boobs in broad day light downtown.


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