Justin A. Guy So it has been declared, much to the disappointment of many children and many more adults with childhood detachment issues, that there will be no Star Wars Episode One.   And thank goodness for that.   As it happens, the newest and most ambitiously hyped movie in the Star Wars saga was on it's way to be copied for distribution early this morning, when it was hijacked by a group of no less than five extremely organized thieves.   Despite heavy security along the route from studio to distribution company the suspects got away with both master reels, negatives and apparently the only existing back-ups of both. Armed security guard, Red Swift, valiantly took a bullet to his left shoulder over the attack but to no avail. "There were just too many of them and they had the element of surprise, we did our best. I know there are going to be a lot of disappointed people. I'm sorry," Swift spoke with tears welling up in his eyes to reporters from his hospital bed somewhere in Los Angeles, California.   Since word has spread about the heist hard core fans have been spotted spontaneously bawling into their hands and slowly wandering away from their little shanty town line-ups outside cinemas all over North America. Four separate suicides related to the devastating news have already been reported, but they are unconfirmed at this time.   There's no word yet from studio executives or producer-director George Lucas.   If you asked me this morning, I'd have said this event smacked of some wretched publicity stunt; but as things carry on, I'm beginning to believe it's all too real. And frankly, I'm happy it's happened. The excitement surrounding this film has just gone from crazy to ridiculous in the past few days. In order for it to have met the expectations of it's deranged enthusiasts, Yoda himself would have had to step through the screen and levitate the entire audience.   It's just a movie.   Frankly, the people who stole it, and have probably had a chance to view it by now, are probably saying the same thing.   Hey, I grew up on Star Wars. I wanted to see the movie as much as any normal, stable person but I'm not going to go to tears over this. There are plenty more movies to hit theatres this summer, so the all out loss of this one is no big deal. Let's get a grip here people. There are still loads of paper back copies of the book out there, so why not go pick one of those up instead.   May the farce be with you.