by Slo Mo
And now please join me as I take a few moments for a self-talk and remind myself what, exactly, I've learned so far from this little adventure in house-sitting...
12. Remember when you brought home that guy from the beach bar and you were really drunk and he found 22 boxes of Jello powder in the kitchen and he convinced you to throw it in the pool with some club soda to see if would make one giant Jello sparkle bath?
11. And it was fun for a while but then the water turned orange and then it got lumpy and then the auto-chlorinator went into emergency shut-off mode and the pump started to smoke? Remember that?
10. Okay, well don't beat yourself up about it because it could've happened to anyone.
9. The important thing to remember is that if it happens again and you're too embarrassed to call the pool company and decide to try and fix the problem yourself even though it's not really your own pool but instead belongs to someone who has entrusted you with its care, be really careful next time about reading the instructions that come with the chemical kit.
8. Especially the part about proper acidity levels.
7. Super-especially the part about how a severe alkaline deficiency can cause big holes in the pool's brand new marcite surface.
6. But you can't save on repairs by patching those holes with Mac-Tac. Noooo.
5. Silly Putty doesn't work, either.
4. As a matter of fact, Silly Putty can really fuck up a pool filter.
3. And if you think patch repairs are expensive, wait'll you see the bill for a new filter.
2. It's almost enough to make you get off your well-tanned ass and find a job.
1. But then you catch yourself before you do anything drastic like type up a resume and you remind yourself that no matter how bad things get, they're never as bad as the time when you were nine and you made confetti for your gerbil's funeral by putting your mother's wedding gown through the wood chipper...