by Slo Mo
The 24 most important lessons I learned when I used my "one free visit" coupon at The Miss Feelin' Fabulous Fitness Funhouse:
24. There is no Miss Feelin' Fabulous.
23. As a matter of fact, not only is the Fitness Funhouse totally devoid of any person who wears a pageant sash that says Miss Feelin' Fabulous - the whole place reeks of rusty Nautilus equipment and musty sports bras and fusty, funky gym socks.
22. There aren't any fresh towels in the locker room, either.
21. There are, however, plenty of fresh towels in the V.I.P. locker room.
20. Which requires you to have a special, super-expensive V.I.P. membership before you can enter.
19. Except if you happen to be lingering near the V.I.P. locker room in search of fresh towels and a V.I.P. member absent-mindedly holds the door open for you...
18. ...in which case you casually glide through and find yourself standing in the Holy of Holies.
17. But even BETTER than the Holy of Holies!
16. Better than the Taj Mahal, even!
15. Because, like, wow - just look at these marble floors and ceramic fixtures and rosewood lockers and big, fluffy Ralph Lauren bathrobes.
14. Not to mention all the fresh towels.
13. And of course you just mean to grab one of those fresh towels and leave (don't they smell good? you could swear they've been washed in designer perfume and not that cheap clorox disinfectant you get in the regular locker room, and hey - is that an espresso machine over there?)
12. Except that's when Adonis Himself shows up with a bottle of massage oil in his hand and tells you it's time for your complimentary rubdown.
11. The fact that he thinks you're some V.I.P. member named "Sandra" is really beside the point.
10. Because hell, man - when Adonis Himself appears before you in the Holy of Holies (but better than that!) with a bottle of massage oil in his hand, you'd best get some of that good rubbin' while the gettin' is good.
9. Even if it means pretending you're someone named Sandra Fabulosa.
8. The same Sandra Fabulosa, as it turns out, who just flew in from Dallas to see her father Sy Fabulosa, the owner and creator of The Miss Feelin' Fabulous Fitness Funhouse.
7. So when Adonis (who, may I add, knows his way around a gal's pectoralis majorus maximus like nobody's business!) asks about your father, you just fake it by swallowing all your drool and moaning, "He's doing really great, thanks. Really, REALLY great. Ohhhh, that's the spot. Mmmmmm yeah, baby...."
6. Which turns out to be a big, huge mistake because next thing you know his hands have stopped doing their magic on your pectoralis majorus maximus and you hear Adonis say, "Uh, isn't Sy in a coma?"
5. But there's no point crying over spilled massage oil.
4. Because that is the exact moment when the real Sandra Fabulosa (who doesn't look like she's feelin' all that fabulous, let alone fit) barges in and demands to know why Adonis is rubbing you instead of her.
3. So I guess you could say that marks the point in time when the jig is, officially, up. Waaay up.
2. And so is your visit to The Miss Feelin' Fabulous Fitness Funhouse, as evidenced by the security guards who escort you all the way out to the parking lot while the V.I.P. intruder alarm goes off and the manager erases you from her coupon mailing list.
1. But not before you steal a fresh towel.