by Slo Mo
Here's what I learned when I participated in the 1st Annual "Save Our Beaches!" Aquathon:
26. If you want to help save America's beaches from erosion and pollution, and we all should, you can give a nice donation to an environmental organization and be done with it.
25. By all means don't let anyone push you into signing up for a charity aquathon at the community pool.
24. Especially if that same person has conveniently declined to compete.
23. Because that probably means they know something you don't.
22. Like the fact that you will be in the water with twenty other people, nineteen of whom are aquarobics instructors...
21. ...and the last time you did any aerobics, aqua or otherwise, was 1997.
20. Which probably explains why they look so much better in their swimsuits than you do.
19. And why they're not huffing and puffing after only fifteen minutes.
18. And why they are wearing regulation Speedos...
17. ...while you are wearing a silver-sequined string bikini, which you thought looked really good in the store but which is seeming like an awfully huge mistake right at this moment.
16. Especially since the float belt you are required to wear around your waist is rubbing against your bikini ties and loosening them up quite a bit.
15. In front of 180 spectators.
14. And it suddenly occurs to you that all those cigarettes have not done your lungs a bit of good seeing as how all this exertion has made them feel like they're about to explode.
13. But that's not even the worst of your worries, because the aquathon has just moved beyond the warm-up and it seems you are now required to do the Electric Slide... underwater.
12. Which just absolutely serves you right for being such a music snob because now here you are stuck in the water wearing a loose bikini in front of 180 spectators AND completely clueless regarding this dumbass line dance, never mind how to do it in a freakin' swimming pool.
11. Plus, I'm sorry but did I mention how much this song SUCKS?!?!?!?
10. So perhaps the combination of trying to stay afloat and keep your bikini on and not pass out from exploding lungs while doing the Electric Slide is a good excuse for the fact that you haven't noticed how close you've drifted to your neighboring competitor, the only other person in the pool who isn't an aquarobics instructor...
9. ...because she lost an arm and a leg in an alligator attack.
8. And it has occurred to you that she shouldn't even be here in the first place, because if she only has half her limbs then she only needs to do half of the Electric Slide. What a little cheater!
7. But that doesn't in any way lessen the horror of what happens next, which is that you drift really close to her and when the stupid song ends (thank god!) and you thrust out your arm for the grand finale, you end up clobbering her in the head and knocking her out cold.
6. Causing all four lifeguards to dive in at once and rescue her from drowning.
5. Except she regains consciousness when they're hauling her to the side of the pool and she has an alligator flashback and goes berserk and starts fighting the lifeguards like a wild thing, resulting in a melee the likes of which our community pool has never seen.
4. But of course the aquathon leader is trying desperately to salvage the event and has ordered the remaining competitors to stay in the pool and do a modified butterfly stroke.
3. Which is right about when your lungs finally explode and you swallow half of the deep end.
2. Thus prompting the pool officials to stop the event, as our city's liability insurance doesn't cover death-by-aquathon.
1. So when your nosy neighbors ask you why the 1st Annual "Save our Beaches" Aquathon failed to raise more than ten lousy bucks for the cause, you can tell them it certainly wasn't for lack of trying. And that silver-sequined string bikinis don't work too well with float belts.