A Splash of Sunshine

Jonathan Dy

What was my worst experience, you ask? Well, I think it's a toss-up between being visually violated by a high-ledge dwelling, hybrid squirrel (aka pervertus squirrelus as we would call it in the scientific world) in '98, and an on-the -job experience that occurred in July. Let's set the scene here for those of youz who have not heard this fable. It goes a lil somethin' like this...

It was a disgustingly humid July afternoon, I would say at least 45 degrees celsius under the sweltering rays of an intense sun. Y'know, just one of those days where you could barely breathe even as early as 8 in the morn.

We were cutting a park in Kirkland called Latarte (that's french for 'the fuckin igit'). While I was trimming, I noticed that the heat was constantly bringing me to an uncontrollable state of hallucination, which caused me to sort of doze off and not really pay attention to what I was doing.

So I came to a bench in the park which sits right next to a garbage can, both of which I had to trim around. As I trimmed around the garbage can, I feel a splash of wetness dousing my body, in the process, waking me up from the unconscious state I was in.

My initial thought was that I trimmed thru a patch of dandelions that I hadn't noticed. "Darn it all" I thought to myself. Okay, those weren't my exact words, but I realize some young'ns might be reading this so I'll refrain from divulging the vulgarity of my actual choice of words.

I felt the juices on the lashes of my left eye and wiped it off, still thinking it was dandillian juice, but the brown smear on my hand told me otherwise. Upon glancing down, it is revealed to me that it was in fact not a patch of dandelions, but instead a Ziploc bag full of dog shit that had not been thrown into the garbage can, but beside it!

My trimmer ripped thru the bag, splattering the contents just about everywhere, but more of the splatteration was focused, of course, in my direction and more specifically in the direction of my left eye. But ladies and gents, this was not your typical bag of shit hitting my left eye, it was a special one! That shitbag had been liquefied by the excruciating heat, and warmed just enough so that a light steam emanated from the bag when sliced open.

Picture chocolate pudding meets hot, chunky gravy, and finally meets Jon's left eye. That's what it was like, folks.

No, but really, it was nice and toasty. And I smelled real good after that. It's funny cuz I'm am presently having visual problems with my left eye right now... hmmm... wonder what the hell that dog ate! I THINK it was dog shit.

Days had passed and I still had the foul odor lingering on me, but I finally used a constant stream of water to wash it away. Boy, that tub-like structure in my washroom can work wonders when used.

Okay, here's the moral of the story: DO NOT PURCHASE ZIPLOC BAGS!!! They rip like wet tissue paper. I also have a piece of advice to those with a friend of the canine variety: If you're gunna pick up Lassie's shit, PUT IT IN THE GARBAGE!!! If you're not going to throw it in the garbage, you might as well just nuke it and chuck it at my face the next time you see me, so at least I know who the perpetrator is and do something about it.

Thank you, and I bid you good day!

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