Oh Glorious Shit

by Jonathan Dy

I recently saw this show on the tele and it made me realize something. I recycle, I reuse, well, maybe not as much as I should, but I still do. Now, one would think that there is no such thing as going too far to recycle and reuse but this t.v. show made me think otherwise.

  There is a lady (I can't remember from where, probably in the southern part of the States) who owns a business in the paper industry. When I say paper, most are probably thinking wood right? Well, this lady has a rather interesting technique to say the least. Instead of wood, she collects manure from various animals and processes it and makes loads of paper for gifts, of all things.

  I only caught the end of the show but I saw enough to make me wonder 'what the hell is she thinking?'

  She takes the shit and boils it up in what looked like the kitchen pottery and on the kitchen stove (let it be known that the kitchen in her house is what I speak of... yeah, this business is run from the comfort of her own home).

  Now I don't know about you folks, but when I'm dead tired after a long and strenuous day at work or school, the last thing I want to come home to is cow shit boiling on the kitchen stove.

  She lets it stand for a while and pours it all into a large vat and this is where the actual paper making begins. There is this big home-made contraption (I'm thinking the machine is home-made as I doubt there is any demand whatsoever for shit-paper makers) that she dunks into the vat and out comes this wet pasty sheet that she dries and covers individually with towels. It goes without saying, I think, that she gets her hands in there for the process and they come out looking like she dint have any toilet paper after a bout with diarrhea... or something like that. (was that too descriptive?)

  She said that she uses manure from different animals but has to check if the scent is bearable before she uses it. See, here's the catch kids, she chooses only the GOOD smelling ones (just a tip for all you future shit-paper makers out there). You should have seen this though, especially the scene where she's letting the shit-in-a-pot settle outside her doorstep as if it were some freshly baked pie or something. That thing was steaming some nasty fumes I bet! I wouldn't be surprised if when she goes to take care of her own business, if you know what I'm saying, she's thinking dollar signs!

  She sells the stuff to people so that they can give em as gifts to 'loved ones'. I don't know about you but if I got shit in any form, solid, paper, paste, liquid, I would be offended. Can you imagine getting a stack of brown, uncut paper with little mysterious dots and marks on them with the label 'emu shit' on it as a Christmas gift? If it really is the thought that counts, shit-paper is a good indication that a certain relationship has gone sour in my opinion.

  But we must commend her, she is after all making the effort to aid the environment. On second thought, if she were to leave the shite where she found it, it would fertilize the very soils in which it is nestled, so doesn't that give some sort of indication that she just may be wasting her own time, not to mention the pots she uses? Well, either way, I do still give her credit since she makes the effort to, I guess, clean up our environment and at the same time make a couple of bucks, and you've got to admit, it IS a novel idea!

  So my advice to you, dear readers, is get your asses out there, collect all the crap that may lie on the ground (hint: nearby toddler parks may be considered a gold mine in this case) and cook up a good brew at home and let's make some paper!!! I guess this gives new meaning to the term 'scrap paper' doesn't it?

Post-pensive purchasing: If you would like to order a stack of shit-paper, email TheWax headquarters and we will gladly laugh in your face.