by Jonathan Dy
Pen in hand, ready to put thoughts in writing, I take a few seconds to admire the beautiful job that has been done. So perfect, so clean, immaculate even. I never realized what a great job I have done in the tedious task of clipping my fingernails! Cut to the limit, but not too much, not a speck of fingernail-crustations in sight, it is quite obvious I have taken time to create such an appearance. I bet you I can even get a job if I went for an interview based on the presentability of my fingernails alone!
To be honest with you, as my thoughts always are, I have never really cared much for fingernail beautification. I have always thought my fingernails pretty much took care of themselves. This is why I cannot fully understand how some peoples involve themselves with nail-care processes costing up to even $50 or $60 a pop. You know how much weed you can buy with $50 or $60??? If you do know, lemme know cuz I have no frickin clue. I'm not into that shit, although smoking of the illegal sort has been contemplated in view of all the scholastic assignments I am currently having a shit fit about, as well as all of the other stresses associated with reality. Anyways, back to nail-care...
Waiting for the 211 bus going downtown on a windy day, I notice that the other guy who's waiting for the bus has turned away from me with his head hunched down. He drops a little silver contraption on the ground. Thinking nothing of it, I continue on, looking like the stud I am, playing it cool, waiting for the friggin' bus in most unfavourable temperatures.
Seconds later, I hear little clicking noises from this mysterious hunched-over man as small debris fall from just in front of him. "A very familiar sound" I think to myself... The fuckin' guy was clipping his fingernails!!! (Note: Okay, so I didn't actually see debris fall, i.e. freshly clipped fingernails... 'Tis just for added effect. This is for YOUR entertainment folks) I mean, how rude is this? Not only does he clip his nails in public in front of me, he allows his clippings to blow into the wind, surrounding me in a sea of nails! (Note: refer to previous note about added effect).
Some people eh? Geez, I say take care of such acts in the privacy of your own home where cool dudes won't be disgusted by your inconsiderate conduct. It's rule of thumb, folks, that nail-cutting is NOT a public event to be shared with everyone! Minutes later, we're joined by an innocent old lady who stands behind me in line. Once adjusted to these appalling conditions, I notice another peculiar sound, resembling wood being smoothed out by sandpaper, only quieter. A quick glance behind me reveals this lady, yes, you guessed it, filing her nails! So now I have finger nails shooting at me from the front lines and nail dust afloat, attacking me from the rear, not unlike a certain battle scene at the beaches of Normandy. Oh the horror! All I needed now was someone getting one of them french manicures and I'd be convinced that 211 stop was a beauty salon.
To add to my experiences of public displays of nail-cutting, I recall my teacher in grade 3, I believe, M. Turgeon, sat at his desk as we were doing a test, clipping his nails. Just to note (i.e. show off), I kicked ass on that test!... The difference with this experience and those previously mentioned was that it was his TOENAILS being clipped!!! Also I was sitting far enough not to be hit and there wasn't a prevailing wind of Typhoon-like proportions to worsen the situation.
And as there is an end to this piece, there is also a moral: whether it's your fingernails or your toenails that need tending to, clip and file your nails at home so some small time excuse for a writer doesn't write a long-ass piece of 'what-the-fuck?', exaggerating and overanalysing the dreadful event you have put him through. Although I may be scarred for life by these experiences, worry you not, I will survive, I will survive, yeah yeah.
An English poet once said:
"Cut ye nails in ye home in yonder distance, away from ye neighbour
and thou wilt be respected and liked by all mankind"