Those Evil Emissions

by Jonathan Dy

Okay, maybe you can help me with this. I'm caught in some type of moral dilemma of sorts here. You see, I was recently killing some of my precious time as an insomniac at a local Tim Horton's (for those of you not from the area, it's just one of your all nighter donut/coffee places) with my buddy Mikey G., when we were startled to hear a peculiar sound.

  Sitting quietly smoking Camel cigarettes (which happen to be shit and a waste of $4.50 for your info), minding my own business, we read the day's daily newspaper within a crowd of, I'd say, ten Tim Horton's-goers. Included in them, were a group of three young women of about 18 years of age and a man, sitting solo, reading his newspaper.

  Now that the scene is set, I will describe to you what is so troubling to me. All was quiet, with the exception of those girls yapping away, trying to downplay the fact that they were high on some kind of illegal drug. The man was sitting quietly there slouched at his table when we hear a somewhat loud noise similar to flatulatory emissions. This was accompanied by vibrations that could be felt through the floor and up the chair.

  (You know about me and my exaggeration policy don't you, well, it applies to that last little vibrations bit)

  Wondering what the hell that sound was, I look up to see Mike trying not to show that he was laughing. I looked in confusion to figure out where that sound came from as the group of girls burst out laughing.

  "What was that???" they asked.

  Now I don't know if it's just me who would react like this, but I was fearing that they would think me as the suspect. I turn around to see the man sitting there and I'm sure, without a doubt, it was him.

  The guy farted in public and he was all alone. At least if he would have been with a friend, I think he it would have been much less embarrassing. I would say public loner farts are MUCH more embarrassing than public group farts and I believe most would agree.

  (Yes, yes, I know you are not really caring to know this)

  One of the girls blurts out "I think it was the man!", even though she couldn't be more than ten feet from the chap.

  I mean, poor guy! Okay, so he farted, can you really blame the guy and laugh in his face? Actually, if there was intent there, maybe there would be a case for blame here but if it was all involuntary conduct, the guy is off the hook right?

  If the guy ate a massive amount of beans that night, prior to the incident, can you blame him even if he carelessly discharged his gasses? The girls proceeded to laugh out loud as if no one were around. I must admit though, I did add to his embarrassment by turning to the girls in my defence and, without speaking, gesturing that it wasn't me who did it, I had no idea who did it, but I do believe it was that there man.

  I actually pointed to the guy and now I feel bad for him. This was clearly an act to protect my own innocence when I'm not sure it was necessary. After about five minutes of laughing and whispering by the group of girls, the man picked up his things and left the building.

  Now I felt bad! I doubt he would have left had he not farted. Now that's where the problem lies. Can he be held accountable for his act?

  Sometimes, I understand, you just have to let go, but you can at least try to conceal your shameful gases. If you quietly emit some rude-smelling odors, then although the smell can be noticed, nobody will know where it came from and you could play along, using the "eww, do you guys smell that too?" face. Then it'll be more of a who-dunnit type deal, and you may even get away scott free.

  However, if you are careless about your gas emissions, you can be held responsible. Were the girls being harsh in their actions? Or are they off the hook because they were smoking a lil too much wacky tabacky?

  See folks, there is a rather fine line between rightful and wrongful accusation and there is much information you must take into consideration when determining who it was that farted.

  Just something to think about when you get a whiff of someone's unpleasantries in a public area. You never know, it could even have been a seat or the rubber from his boots rubbing together making that noise, maybe no fart was actually made and we are all thinking and laughing about something that our sick and immature minds want us to think happened for the amusement of our pathetically boring lives. Or maybe I'm just bored so I wrote this crap up thinking you'd actually be interested.

  Basically, the message I'm trying to relay to you is don't ever buy Camel cigarettes, they taste like camel shit and smell like flatulatory excretory discharges (whatever that might mean). Not that I've ever tasted camel dung before.