Showers, Shit Shampoos and the Soap Shaft

Jonathan Dy

I was taking my weekly shower the other day and I was struck by something that frustrates me beyond belief. It's not the fact that bars of soap are so damn slippery that if I were in prison, I would be everyone's best shower buddy. Dropping the soap in the shower pisses me off more than it should you see. Anyway, it's the whole freakin' Shampooing deal. First of all, I don't know if it's like this in your household but whenever I take a shower, there seems to be at the very least 5 bottles of various shampoo brands sitting along the sidelines. I think that might be the result of sharing the same shower with two sisters cuz it certainly isn't my fault. I know you're probly thinking "what's so bad about having to choose from 5 brands of shampoo?" right? Well, the thing here is that if I'm very lucky, on a good day, I might find one of those bottles actually having shampoo in it. They're all fuckin empty!

  Just think of it, you're tired from a long day mowing and trimming and all you wanna do is go for a quicky (a quicky shower that is) then hit the sack for a long winter's nap, right homies? Well, you go as fast as you can but the whole darn showering process is just not a fast one. First you have to control the whole soap fumbling situation, then you have to find some frickin shampoo. It's like a game. I venture out to the far reaches of the shower, to the four corners of the tub in search of a non-empty bottle, but the pursuit is halted by the dropping of the bar of Irish Spring (which happens to be the best soap out there next to Thrills "gum") causing me to almost bail, but I fight to stay standing by ripping part of the shower curtain off its rings and pulling a certain groinular muscle. It's not a pretty sight folks. At times I contemplate just skipping the whole shampoo process altogether. I'm probly gonna end up being the first bald Filippino in a few years anyway, so why bother caring for my hair when it won't be with me in the not-so-distant future?

  And what's the deal with shampoo and conditioner? Companies are still making one bottle of shampoo and another separate bottle of conditioner. When some brands have the 2 in 1 thing going, I see it as a bonus. Joe Pert must be making millions with "Pert 2 in 1" cuz that's some good shit I tell ya!

  When I was a kid, I had that Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo that didn't sting your eyes when you get shampoo in em. That was good stuff as well cuz you get the whole clean smell and you don't have to fear for the sting in your eyes. One day I'm just gonna go buy me a bottle of that shit and pour it into my eyes cuz now that I think about it, I'm kinda skeptical about the whole thing. How can your eyes not get irritated? Fascinating...

  There was once this time when I used some no-name brand and to tell you the truth, I think I would honestly rather bath in weed juice than use that stuff again. It smelled like apples with just a smidgen of cow shit. It was truly harsh! I wouldn't be surprised one bit if some sort of animal excrement was included in the ingredients. In my eyes, it wasn't really shampoo, it was more like... shamshit... HAHAAA get it? I just thought of that one right now... ahhh, sometimes I amaze myself!

  Anyway, after "showering" you with my cranial caca, I would just like to end this blah with a couple of suggestions for you.

  1. always keep a bottle of your own preferred shampoo/conditioner stashed away in your room if your are sharing a bathroom with someone, especially of the female species.

  2. keep a bar of soap harnessed to your body so that it eliminates the possibility of soap dropping. A thick string will do. What I do is I tie the string to the soap and I tie the other end around my neck. Length of the string is up to you. I allow people to make alterations on my creations depending on their physical characteristics and personal preferences.

  3. and finally, I urge you to please not purchase and support the "Thrills" bubble gum brand cuz whenever I see a pack of em, it reminds me of the whole showering process and to tell you the truth, it bugs me to death!

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