by Jonathan Dy
[Note: Jon was insanely tired when he wrote this so he went on some kind of psycho swearing trip, so don't mind him, he's part mortal. And don't be misled, he honestly loves this time 'o year and all the traditions that go along with it.]
I'm exhausted from all that studying I did... last semester! HAHAHA I'm joking, I didn't do any studying last semester. I tried it once and it's not as beneficial as advertised. This semester has assuredly been of the toughest and most demanding yet, but we won't dip any further into my academic problems because, frankly, I don't fucken feel like it right now, I'm too frickin tired.
Ah well, the semester has come to a close so we can joyfully await Santa and his slaves... I mean elves. Have you ever thought of it though, Santa is either:
1. Not as powerful and magical as we think, or;
2. Slowing down at such an old age! Why does he have all them elves?
Sure, they say because he needs help, but I mean, if the guy can travel around the world, fly up and down chimneys, deliver gifts to everyone (except the homeless, might I add) all in one night, I'm sure he can make a few billion gifts himself without the help of height deprived craftsmen/women!
Even if he can't make all those gifts himself, I'm sure he can mosey on over to the nearest north-polean mall and swipe a few things here and there! Maybe he just likes the company of little people rather than live alone with Mrs. Clause, and I don't blame him, 'cause at such an old age, she's probably a few cookies short of a batch if you know what I'm saying!
How old do ya think the old battle-ax is anyway?
If people don't have a chimney, does he enter through the front door? This brings up another thing, why don't the homeless get gifts? Is it because it doesn't permit Santa to slide down a chimney or is it 'cauz he won't get a cookie to eat from them? People, are you thinking the same thing as I, that Santa is nothing more than a mutha-fucken-punk-ass-bitch?!?!?
Well, I've just decided that I don't like the myth of Santa Clause. What if the homeless people bought or made JUST a chimney and gave a cookie, would Mr. Cringle pay them a visit? (hint: cookie may be obtained in exchange for a pint of blood at your nearest donor center.)
I really love this time of year. It just makes me think of when I was a little boy, anxiously awaiting Santa and his reindeer wondering what he brought me that year. This year, I think I'm gonna anxiously await Santa again and when I see him, I'm gonna lynch da bast!
Santa better bring more than his eight reindeer and a belly full of oreo cookies, cauz I'm gonna smack 'em some. That'll teach him to undeservingly eat all those cookies!
As Christmas is a time for giving, forgive me for making you read this, as it was not my intention to inform you of exciting events, but to basically waste your time! I have once again succeeded in achieving my goal. I also want to apologize for the excessive swearing, especially since it's Christmas and we're all supposed to be feeling all holy and all that shit, but I'm fuckin' tired and at the time I wrote this, I was really stressing over some bullshit research paper and essay, so if you don't accept my apology for being a rude dude, fuck you!
I am to close here, but do not fear, I will soon reappear in the coming year with better news for you to hear. Oh and steer clear of drinking too much beer, for you may find yourself in the arms of a queer at the commencement of the new year. Word up homes! A word to the jolly: Bah-freakin'-humbug!!! HAVE A MERRY FUCKIN' CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY FUCKIN' NEW YEAR!!!