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by Viki Reed Today, parents of a toy-shopping age are offered Tonka trucks made smooth as a baby's ass and Big-Wheels that can now be described as Much - Smaller - Than - They - Used - To - Be - Wheels - in - Compliance - With - Helmet - Laws. What today's consumer demographic won't find is the romanticism of risky fun. Frolic and fun so lethal it could be a Mel Gibson movie. Before shrinks, corporate lawyers, and uber-professional couples desperately pursued the safe, computerized, educational plaything (that would mold their genetic equals into the genius they never were); toys had edges, flammable components, and otherwise poisonous and delightful elements. Sure, some toys still have perilous possibilities. Pre-Gen-X'rs with tots can still buy jump-ropes and wet-dishrags. There's also no changing the timeless fun of an ordinary King-Sized Sheet - be a princess, Superman, or with the help of three friends to pinch the corners tight; you can make an excellent kitty-trampoline. Let's face it there's been no modification of Play-Dough in decades. They don't make this stuff salty just so you can smell it, for God's sake, eat it! Then there are the toys have been outlawed all together. Pellet-guns and Cap-guns were mandatory forms of amusement for little boys once. Now cap-guns fire powder-strips so mealy they couldn't kill a red-ant; and pellet-guns are considered synonymous with NRA membership or school massacres. If you deny your kid a pellet-gun, they'll only substitute with: rocks, home-made Bic-Pen blow-darts and spit-wads. At least there's comfort in the fact that phlegm isn't as accurate or dangerous as the lonesome bee-bee. Can't exclude standard scotch-tape. The 'pulling - your - nose - cartilage - beyond - your - eyebrows - stunt' is the kind of high-time that doesn't require standing in line at Toys 'R' Us. Scotch-tape can be found at any 7-11 and applied to your face and any pet for hours of joy. Ever see a dog walk backwards indefinitely? Ever see a cat trot an Arabian Horse? There's no question that few things warm the heart faster than watching a playmate attempt to remove Scotch-Tape from their hair. This a toy with a versatility score of 9. Should all else fail, there's always mom's medicine cabinet. A tampon and/or toilet-paper is the secret fav of kids 5-11 years of age. It takes a minimum of three boxes before you get tired of watching the instantaneous expansion capabilities of your typical Super-Absorbent Tampax. Hurled upwards, the cold 'smack!' of Charmin as it sucks to the ceiling makes the $2.39 per 4-pack price well worth an investment. Before the days when parents were no longer expected to supervise their kids, Bic-Lighters were a must-have trifle. Then all the lighters were made childproof and bunk-beds sailed at half-mast. The new models didn't allow for 'flint - removal - flame - thrower transformation'. The good news is you can use any lighter to ignite hairspray or WD-40 and unload it on a hornet's nest in a pinch. What finally made toy-makers change chemistry-sets? Kids could care less about making invisible-ink or dipping litmus paper. Either you're a kid or a scientist and everyone knows that scientists carry their chemistry sets in stainless-steel-suitcases loaded with toxins, bunsen-burners, and glass tubes. What good is a toy if there's no worry of scalding-off your eyebrows, or having your stomach pumped? Did you know you could butcher a cow, using an old classic Tonka-Toy Bull-Dozer? Yep, carve it right to the bone. Tonka should return to the indestructible design of the past, and put an FDA warning on each truck. If people wanna kill themselves, let em. Sod the boring old 'balloon' concept; Super-Elastic Bubble-Plastic puts it to shame. This was toy-goo that possessed a noxious odor and had to be wrestled out of an aluminum tube covered with cracking lead-based paint. The fun comes when you roll the goo-onto a straw that sits about one inch from your nasal passages as you blow your last clean-breath into the goo. It instantly becomes a swirly colored that seemed as psychedelic as the fumes that wrap-around your cerebral cortex. A hard-user of Super-Elastic Bubble-Plastic might blow 37 balls a day. There's no more Super-Elastic Bubble-Plastic In this litigious era; not a chance in hell that you'll get wrecked playing catch with yourself anymore. Ahhh the Easy-Bake Oven. Even 25 years after it's introduction, this toy still makes 'cakes' that taste and chew like a set of Dr. Shoales' inserts. Naturally, nothing says, "I'm a girl!" better than a combo of: electricity, sheet-metal, and inedible food. There's a winsome nostalgia surrounding Christmas gifts that warn you not to ingest them or hold them near an open flame. What happened to toys that won't wash-off your hands? The fun that gives you a rash, the runs, or maybe causes you to need stitches? The sad litany of passive, expensive, merchandised, and commercialized toys that the local news promote and McDonalds sells should bear their very-real dangers in their instructions: WARNING: IS BLAND AND SAFE! WARNING: WILL BORE YOUR CHILD WITHIN TEN MINUTES! WARNING: WAS CREATED TO BILK MOMMY AND DADDY! WARNING: WILL BE SMASHED IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES BY YOUR CHILD TEN MINUTES WARNING: AFTER OPENING! NOT FUN! |
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