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with Jon "on the john" Dy First off: HAAAAPPPY NEW YEAR! (Note: let it be known that i am not the biggest fan of new years, so basically to wish you a happy new year's pains me as much as the shrill screams of a room full of ecstatic females screaming to the 'delightful' sounds of a Ricky Martin/Backstreet Boys sextet... Or something like that. No offense to those I have offended.) Now then... Think for a second and ask yourselves this question: "In all my life and all my experiences, where would the most relaxing place in the entire world to be?" Some of youz might answer Hawaii, or on the beach at night, or lying in bed with the lights out, listening to music. That all may sound nice and cozy, but if you ask me, the most relaxing place I've ever been has got to be in the can! Oh yes, in the 'john'. There's no time like toilet time! This may be for obvious reasons, but I feel that when I'm sitting there exorcising myself of my evil demons, I feel more relaxed, and more in tune with my thoughts than at any other time and any other place. Sometimes I even find myself sitting on the can longer than I need to, just thinking and reveling about how awesome this life could be. Ridiculous thoughts such as being able to fly, or being a super hero, or wonderful stuff like a world without Celine Dion have been pondered. Once I imagined I was one of them ageless, bulletproof, flying, bionic tigers... You know, the ones with lasers that shot outta my eyes and most important of all, I was Y2K compliant! You see, toilet time is a good time to get all that shit outta my system, if you'll excuse the pun. At times I wonder about the differences between sitting on the can and hallucinatory substance abuse, because sometimes you get the same effect (see above flying-armored-tiger example). Now, the hallucinations experienced on the throne may be due to the inhalation of self-secreted gases of the methane variety in an enclosed environment, but still, similar effects to drug consumption may be present... I guess it all depends on what was for din din, right? (Hint: for optimal levels of delusion, may I suggest Mexican... I didn't wanna hafta get multi-lingual on you, but muchos mexicano food, no es bueno...) Now unless our valued toilet time becomes illegal anytime soon, we can all enjoy a legal 'high' without fearing the consequences involved with illegal substance abuse. I say let's all get out there on our respective toilet bowls (or some of you can use the same one at the same time if you prefer... whatever floats your boat... it's kinda like "I say tomato, you say tomate", right?) and let's enjoy the creative capabilities our minds have to offer. Or you could just sit there wondering what the hell you just read, at the same time contemplating whether I really am such a sad, sad individual as this article may reveal. People, I assure you, I am a normal guy (definitions of 'normal' tend to vary with opinion... Different Strokes for different folks, right?... It's kinda like "you say katsup, I say Whatchyou talkin' 'bout Willis? It's ketchup!")... Uh... Yeaaah... And on that note... I think it's time for bed... and I've been on the toilet for quite some time now anyway, and frankly, this shit is gettin' to me! Post-rant confession: Okay, fine, I didn't really imagine that I was an ageless, bulletproof, flying, bionic tiger with lasers as eyes and was Y2K compliant... I made it up on the spot for entertainment purposes! I really wouldn't mind being that flying tiger though. Zapping Celine Dion with my millenium-bug-free lasers wouldn't be first on my to-do list... No... Never... Oh come on, like you want to see a third sappy Celine "I want attention" Dion wedding. Credit due: The clever title of this first and possibly last edition of Toilet Time was brought to you by the ever creative Caroline Korah... So if you dislike it as much as I do, hey, don't look at me! Of course, as always, I'm just kidding. |
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