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by Viki Reed Perky, hunk-like or haggard-looking local news anchors put on their 'serious' masks for a moment. They begin with, "In health news today..." By the time they're finished all one knows is that they can hear a noise humming underneath their narration. It's a low, constant 'duhhhhhh...'. No it's not your television. This would be the sound of your wisdom leaking out of your head. Examples of 'Duh Reports' aren't hard to locate, after all, this is information that 'we need to know'. According to a new study, "Teen-agers who drink or use drugs are much more likely than others to be sexually active..." One wonders if a bull-dozer full of drunken, horny teens can be backed-up to the news-desk and unloaded? "One dump-truck driver confirms a recent study suggesting..." "Cell phones cause memory loss, as proven by a rat-based study! Researchers found that rats exposed to microwave radiation similar to the radiation emitted by cell phones appear to suffer long-term memory loss." I can envision the lab now... A busy rat, holding a talon-sized phone... "Hold on, doc, you're breaking-up... Lemme get out of the Habitrail and off the wheel... That's better, go ahead, now what were we talking about?." "...Doctors warn us that paint-ball can cause eye injuries..." There's no mention if one should avoid holding scissors while playing the mock-combat games; pending further research this author will put herself on the line and advise you to utilize all obvious precautions when playing Rambo and shooting your friends with paint-pellets. "A healthful lifestyle is worth maybe six to ten extra years of life... Dramatic benefits are shown for people who don't smoke and who maintain low cholesterol and blood pressure levels." Again, funding apparently was unavailable to investigate 'the running with scissors' factor. "A related report says that people participating in smoking and high-cholesterol studies have one week to live when the study is over." "Under certain circumstances, babies who share a bed with their parents are at increased risk for sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), researchers report. Risks are particularly high when parents smoke, or when a parent and child fall asleep on a sofa, the study findings suggest." Condensing these types of news stories so we don't have to wait for another day to hear about the next piece of vital research might save another life. This research lends itself easily to reduction: "Hey, retards: don't roll-over on your kid while you're asleep and smoking a cigarette." "Skiers and snow-boarders who use helmets lower their risk of head injury, according to the results of a preliminary study. The findings were presented last month during the annual meeting of the Congress of Neurological Surgeons." Who knows what else this group of wealthy professionals will uncover... Crashing into trees hurts... Don't go flying off the side of a mountain... Wear the heaviest socks possible when spending hours in the snow... In health news today: A recent informal study suggests that maybe you'll experience less gall if you shoot spit-wads at your television set when the local news is on. |
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