by Jon Dy
Wanna see a stressed Jon go nuts? Alright. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a whole new world that exists beyond our realm of knowledge and understanding... It's Jon's Encyclopedia of Strange Animal Habits. Okay, some people are familiar with the rural setting, where farm animals are abundant and some of us might live in the rainforest, others perhaps out in the bayou, environments rich with various ecosystems and animal life, but on the other hand, some live in the city where the closest thing to wildlife is your dog shitting in your potted plants. We each have our own images and opinions of various animals, and it is at this time that I would like to share with you my thoughts on various animal habits that I have come across recently.
Dolphin sex: Have you ever seen them do it? Yes well, I've seen it a couple of times (no, I don't look for these things when flipping through the channels) and both times I kinda got a shiver from the mammilian sex scene. Not like a good-feeling, chill-down-my-spine type shiver, more like a freaky, disgusted shiver. They swim belly to belly and the male's thing-a-ma-jig darts out and makes a mad dash right into the female's doohicky... The horrifying affair takes no more than 5 seconds or so. Talk about a quicky. Picture a wiry umbilical cord plugging into a belly-button, and there my friends, you have dolphin sex. It's just a kinda scary sight. That's all I have to say about dolphin sex.
Playing in poo: I saw another show on the Discovery channel that had butterflies floating around with each other in search of food. Their destination? Elephant dung! Come on guys, I mean, I know the dung is full of vitamins not needed by the elephants, but geez, if I were a hungry buttahfly, I would go git me some Wheaties, or some Mueslix, or a piece of fruit, not a hot and steamy pile of transmogrified grass. (the word of the day folks, is transmogrified... Doesn't that word make you just wanna puke?) So yeah, I would DEFINITELY go for the Wheaties before the transcombobulated grass.
Okay, I don't know jacksquat about dogs and what they're thinking, so can someone please explain to me why dogs go for the groin? I mean, humans go for a handshake when greeted, but dogs go for a crotchpoke! It gets kinda scary. I went to my buddy Pierre's house three days in a row a coupla weeks ago, and all three visits I was greeted by his dog Sassy with crotch rockets! She went right for the crotchular area without even saying hi! Needless to say, I now opt for wearing a jockstrap during my visits to Pierre's.
There's another story involving Sassy that I would like to share with you... Actually, this occurrence focuses more on Sassy's urine, and my knee. I'm sure you can put two and two together to figure out what happened. Sassy barking like crazy, me kneeling down in her piss, drenching my knee, thus breaking my concentration on the task at hand: playing Nintendo. Apparently "woof woof woof woof" being barked in your face means "I have to pee. Let me the hell out or else I'll piss right here on the floor in front of Jon's knee". At least I've furthered my knowledge of the canine lingo. But I don't wanna give y'all the wrong impression... Sassy loves me. I'm sure she has a thing for me. I think if I were a dog, I would be so goddamn hot, I would get ALL the bitches! (Let me remind you that a bitch is a female dog... Don't want youz thinking I'm a male chauvinist pig... I'm just telling it like it is). I may be a butt-ugly human being, but if I were a dog, WATCH OUT! RRRRRRUUFFFFF! I'm aiming for dog for my next lifetime.
What the hell's up with the wildebeest? I mean, has evolution skipped this animal? This animal is like the bottom of all food chains I tell you. Watch any nature show on any predator in Africa and you're guaranteed to see at least one wildebeest death. These animals have got to be the stupidest things around. Okay, they're all drinking by the edge of the river and about five feet away, you could see a crocodile quietly making its way towards the wildebeests. The croc gets within a foot or two of the igits and bites one of their heads off. It's like a buffet lunch at Tin Wah Palace. Have them wildebeests not learned that that there floating log is fuckin croc o'dile? I mean, guys, you number in the thousands and yet none of you can spot the hungry croc floating, only inches away? Gimme a break.
Same goes for the zebras. They not only cross deadly rapids, but they cross hungry-croc infested deadly rapids. TRY GETTING OUTTA THAT MUTHA FUCKAS! Don't say I didn't warn you, zebras! Man, if I were a zebra, none of my zebra buddies would perish in such a stupid manner... I must be the smartest zebra around! I'd be like the zebra messiah. I'd make the best zebra I tell you.
Bird shitology. Okay, one day, I was driving along in my Beamer when... Oh wait, sorry, I mean my '86 civic... Anyway, while driving along, rockin' to the tunes of the eighties, I notice a Flock of Seagulls flying over head (I know, how ironic is that) and I immediately got that scared feeling where you instinctively duck your head for fear of being shitted on even tho I was in the shelter of my car. Of course, with my impeccable timing, I got laced with gull crap! I immediately felt dirty. Can somebody please explain to me why the bird feces that fell onto my windshield was not like the usual bird feces that you would expect to find? Normally in bird droppings, you'd expect to find a splash of white, along with some greys, and blacks, with your occasional yellow tint.
'Twas not the case this particular time folks! What I discovered on my windshield was fluorescent yellow, some blue and some green! I shit you not my fellow humanites... There was a rainbow of fruit flavors on my car that day! I don't know if anyone else has been hit with the Seagull Skittle Shits, but if so, I would like to know. I wanna get down to the bottom of this phenomenon. As the sun shone through into my face, I was awestruck by the stained glass effect the Skittle Shits had on my windshield. I felt like I was in a church or something.
Okay I'm tired of writing, so Jon's Encyclopedia of Strange Animal Habits has come to an end. Oh right, I almost forgot to mention... I have just come home from my last class of the semester, but this morning I was up all night writing a paper that was due this morn. I am currently working on one hour sleep. I mention this to somewhat justify this spontaneous bit of tomfoolery, which I spewed out in a matter of minutes. Some people go take a dump, I prefer to write for the readers of TheWax.com. I'm so tired and outta my mind and this is like the accumulation of all the brain spew that has been circulating within me the past day or so... Just had to get outta my system. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to piss like a banshee.