by Jon Dy
Note: I wrote this as a first-month-anniversary tribute to the Rick Rockwell/ Darva Conger wedding, which occurred a month ago today. Oh shite, they're divorced now aren't they? (As if they were even really married) Anyway, let's just make fun of them.
Throughout my entire life, all 21 years, 10 months, 14 days, 22 hours and 37 minutes of it, I've had dreams of being everything from a garbage man at age 4, to a Y2K compliant bionic tiger that assassinates Celine Dion, embarrassingly at the age of about 21 years, 8 months and 15 days. I've pictured myself having professions of all types, as I'm sure many young, aspiring, infinitely intelligent, incredibly good-looking, ravishing, (not to mention overly-sarcastic) studs do. But now that I've grown a little bit and have benefited from what society has to offer, I have decided that I would like to be a multi-millionaire! Yes, a man of many millions! See, this way, I would have enough money to choose my own wife (regardless of how superficial she would be) as if I was buying a car, then marry her in front of millions of people I don't know who are watching our pseudo love affair on the Fox network. Yes, I would have this whole life-changing event broadcast in a two-hour time slot on a Tuesday night, perhaps after "Cops: Caught in the Act" or "Anything Caught on Camera to Make Money". Oh... Wait a second... I'm sorry folks, this has already been done! *Jon sez in a sarcastic tone*
Okay, enough joking around, let's get serious for a wee bit. I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about, but for those of you who don't, lemme explain. A bit over a month ago, on a Tuesday night, Feb 15th, a tv "special" was aired on Fox where some apparent multi-millionaire guy was to choose from thousands of women who entered a contest to marry him... Strange you think? Wait, there's more! Throughout the show, "The Millionaire", as he was called, was hidden in darkness and behind a screen that revealed no more than his silhouette, and he never said a word. He could see them and hear their answers as the final fifty contestants involved themselves in dating game/miss universe-esque activities.
"Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire" it was called. [Note: ladies and gents, at this point, I would like to inform you that I will try to refrain from using the words "shallow, greedy, pathetic, disgusting, superficial, fruity-ass muthafucka" in this article as a demonstration of my respect for people I don't know and the decisions they make.] I only caught the tail end of the show but I was told by my sister that I had just missed the multiple choice segment but was just in time for the beachwear competition. Yes, the beachwear, because as "The Millionaire" puts it, "I want someone who will feel comfortable on the beach" (i.e. "I'm very much an ass AND breast man, plus, I want the most for my money.")
One of the sad things about this show (and there were MANY sad things) was that these girls put on a facade, pretending they weren't in this whole ordeal for the money. One said something along the lines of "Everyone thinks we (all contestants, applicants, whatever they're referred to as) are all in it for the money, but we're not. We're just people who are looking for love." Gimme a fuckin' break dude! Anyway, "The Millionaire" didn't choose her. Nor did he choose the one who said "I want to travel around the world" when asked to describe herself because even "The Millionaire" himself knows that that right there is motive! She wants a human bank account to accompany her on her global crusade, not a husband! In the end, I believe he chose the one who was stiff as a mannequin when she walked because she was sucking her stomach in to the point where I think I saw a bluish hue in her skin color. Or did he choose the one who looked like Super (ficial) Barbie? I don't know, and it doesn't really matter who he chose.
And finally, after nearly two hours of mock-affection and self-glorification, "The Millionaire" and "The Winning Contestant" wed in a ceremony which lasted roughly five minutes! Hardly a dream wedding. When she won, she had that "I just won the lottery" face, but I guess for her, it IS like winning the lottery... While for him it's like soliciting a prostitute. Okay, it may sound like I am being an asshole and have no respect for other people and what they want to do with their lives, but let's be realistic here. This whole ordeal was just as romantic or realistic as me going up to some gal on the street with a mask on my face and saying "hey baby nice ass! I'm a multi-millionaire, wanna marry me?" (A method that never works by the way.) and her responding by sucking in her stomach and putting on her best "I - want - to - be - rich - too - without - making - it - too - obvious" Barbie act, when in fact, it's evident she's an "I'm - a - superficial - greedy - skank - who - will - marry - for - money - regardless - of - who - you - are" Barbie. It's all too painful to think of.
Anyways... I'm just glad a weekly game show hasn't conjured up from this crap 'cuz that would mean that there are more skankaholic millionaires out there willing to show us how not to get hitched. While their goal is to spend the rest of their lives together starting with holy matrimony, my belief is that their lives together will end when she's done spending her master's money... heh heh heh... How ironic!
Ahhh fuck, to sum up in a few words, "Who wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire" might as well be called "Which greedy, pathetic, superficial, barbie-doll skank will marry a shallow, disgusting, pretentious, fruity-ass millionaire?"... I'm sorry, I just couldn't hold it in any longer... it's kinda like when you really gotta urinate.
I'm sure most of you have heard of the ending to this fairy tale since it has been plastered everywhere, all the time. The guy's really a comedian who has a tainted past, which went unnoticed by the producers of this ridiculous show. The bride then admits she never thought the whole show to be serious and that it's not the way she had wished to get married, yada, yada, yada! Awwww, don't ya just feel like forgiving her? Yeah I'm sure she's gonna have guys lining up to date her now... Or should I say make bids on her?
Well my friends, I'm sorry for having to resurrect this story, but I just had an urge to piss it all outta my system. Don't worry, I'll leave you people alone now and we can all let this topic to rest in peace... Anyhoo, I think I'm bleeding somewhere cuz there's blood on my hand so I'm gonna go find out what's leaking.