Wisdom Through Humor
Marine Biology 101

by Slo Mo


Behold, the mysterious beauty of our underwater world. The colorful fish, the intriguing shells, the precious coral, the... Sharks?!?!?!?

Oh, for the love of christ - we have SHARKS!!!!!!

Here's a little tip for ya: if you happen to move to the beach, and you meet some nice lifeguard dudes on their day off, and they let you borrow some of their snorkel gear so you can tour a reef with them, and this particular reef happens to be right in your own backyard, where you plan to do a lot of swimming, then the sane answer to the off-duty lifeguard's generous snorkel offer is "non, merci".

Because no matter how much of an adventurous soul you think you are, even if you're so adventurous you can hardly stand your own adventurousness, there's one thing I can guaran-fucking-tee you, and that is: YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT ELSE IS IN THE WATER!


And the other thing I can guaran-fucking-tee you is that no matter how careful you THINK you are, you'll never emerge from a snorkel excursion without the most gosh-awful coral rash right where your bathing suit ends and your butt begins.

So when you run from the water screaming, "Shark! SHARK!" and collapse on your beach mat, safe at last, you'll immediately need to jump up again and holler "Owwwww!"

Thus precipitating the on-duty lifeguard to rush over and see if you have, in fact, been attacked by a shark, since the little kids who are building the sandcastle told him you were and... "Whoa girl - how did you manage to get a coral rash on your ASS?"

Double oy.

But that's not even the worst part. Because after the kids go back to their sandcastle, and the on-duty lifeguard shakes his head in disgust and tells you to stop scaring the tourists, and the off-duty lifeguards emerge from the sea and realize this was your first shark encounter, THAT'S when you will be forced to listen to a long, smug lecture about how these particular sharks are simply embarking on their annual migration south along the gulf stream, and they're quite small and docile, and they're not at all interested in humans, so if you keep a respectful distance there's absolutely no problem, and also they're an important part of the reef's eco-system, and studies at the local marine biology unit have shown that these sharks actually possess a primitive form of social intelligence, and... "Hey, Mo, can we come home with you and swim in your pool and take turns rubbing salve on your butt?"

Which is when it comes in VERY handy to have a large Dog, so you can reply to their long, smug shark lecture with a long, smug lecture about how this particular Dog never migrates from your side, and he's quite huge and ferocious, and humans interest him quite a bit, especially when he's hungry, which is all the time, so keeping a respectful distance is pretty good idea, and also this Dog is from a protected class of canine mutants so you aren't allowed to resist attack, and studies late at night with strangers in the backyard have shown that Dog possesses no social conscience whatsoever...

Then pour sand down their stupid little red lifeguard shorts and go home.



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00/May/07 - Vomit, carnage, infestation - and it's time to meet the neighbors.

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