by Slo Mo
Who knew house-sitting could be so educational? Please join me as I take a few moments to reflect on what, exactly, I've learned so far from this little adventure in paradise...
16. When someone tells you, "Don't worry, you'll figure it all out," NEVER believe them.
15. Because some things aren't as self-explanatory as the self-explanation folks like to think.
14. Such as a fully-automated Jetson-style kitchen with remote control appliance covers.
13. Which can make things pretty difficult when it's 5 a.m. and you just got home and your head is spinning and you've got fluorescent body paint all over you and you can't remember why you're not wearing any shoes and all you want is some aspirin and a cup of coffee.
12. But not as difficult as when it's 5 a.m. and you just got home, etc. etc. etc., and all you want is some aspirin and a cup of coffee but LO AND BEHOLD, you can't find the kitchen because there's been a power-surge in the night and all the automated thingies have lost their minds and shut down.
11. Including the control pad for the high-tech gourmet kitchen lighting system.
10. Which really pisses you off because if your cousin had just settled for a lamp fixture like everyone else this wouldn't be a problem.
9. So you grope around in the dark but you can't locate the kitchen counter or the sink, let alone a coffee pot, just four bare walls.
8. And you start to freak because you think, "Oh my god, someone stole the WHOLE KITCHEN while I was gone!"
7. Which doesn't make a ton of sense, even when your head is spinning, and then you remember that this is a Jetson-style kitchen and it has stainless steel "walls" that swoosh out at the touch of a button and conceal everything, including the appliances and counters, so if your cousin ever has guests that show up unannounced they will never suffer the agony of laying eyes on a messy kitchen, god forbid.
6. Except you can't remember exactly where this button is located.
5. Plus, finding the button wouldn't do you any good, anyway, because the whole system has short-circuited, which is why you're standing in the dark to begin with.
4. And of course that's when Dog decides to wander out from the bedroom to see what you're doing... You of the spinning head and fluorescent body paint which is glowing bright and festive in this pitch-black, Jetson-style, gourmet stainless steel hell.
3. Which doesn't quite account for the following (slightly fuzzy) human logic: "Great! Dog knows his way around - he can lead me to the fuse box."
2. But which certainly accounts for the following (crystal clear) Dog logic: "I must avenge myself of this half-drunk glow-in-the-dark alien who is standing in my kitchen at 5 a.m.!"
1. And THAT'S why you spent the last two hours lying prone on the kitchen floor, pondering the moral of this little lesson, with Dog's paws planted firmly on your back until the sunlight finally appeared and you stopped glowing and Dog let you up so you could fetch his breakfast.