by Slo Mo
It's a sad, sad day when you wake up to discover yourself financially, domestically and socially out-classed by a dog.
It started with the credit card I found on the kitchen counter, a credit card like any other, except it was in a little leather case inscribed with Dog's name and there was a note from my cousin, Katrine, explaining that I was authorized to use this account for all payments on Dog's behalf. (You probably think I'm joking about that, eh? I mean, credit card payments on a DOG'S behalf?!?!?!? HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA....)
Well you can stop laughing, buddy, and behold my nightmare. Here is a summary of Dog's expenses for the week of May 22, 2000 as recorded by me, his personal accountant:
House Of Kibble - $280.00
Monthly home delivery of kibble, liver treats and chew bones, plus a surprise "toy of the month" tailored specifically to Dog's customer profile and interests. (Apparently, dogs have interests. Who knew?)
SudsMobile - $72.85
Bi-weekly grooming service done via mobile salon, which means a customized van pulls into our driveway, Dog disappears inside it, and then twenty minutes later he emerges looking and smelling like a star. (According to the SudsMobile invoice, this service helps Dog avoid the "hassle and inconvenience" of spending a day at a traditional grooming facility, where he'd be obliged to rest on a strange bed, eat unfamiliar treats, and pee in foreign surroundings, not to mention all those hours taken out of his busy dog schedule.)
Leashes'R'Us - $15.00
Canine seasonal fashion club. For spring 2000, Dog will be sporting this lovely sky-blue leash and collar ensemble with a little-clouds-shaped-like-bones motif.
"Happy Hounds" Doggie Day Camp - $155.00
Monthly fee for membership in "Florida's premier canine entertainment facility". Member privileges include unlimited access to play groups, agility sessions, psychic consultations, nature hikes, complimentary birthday parties and an all-u-can-eat snack bar, plus preferred reservation status for overnight visits. (Those privileges only apply to Dog, mind you, not any of his guests. Guests must first submit to a veterinary check-up and personality assessment. Which I'd probably fail.)
Maison D'Amour - $16.28
I've no idea what this was for, and the invoice arrived in a plain brown wrapper, but it was addressed to Dog so I paid it.
The Wagging Tail - $200.00
Monthly charge for Dog's once-per-day jaunts through the neighborhood with Michelle, his professional dog walker. The fee was cheaper when Dog went with a group, but then he got in a fight with a chihuahua and Michelle decided that Dog should walk solo because he "needs his space". Whatever.
TOTAL: I'm too depressed to write the total.
Let's just say that when I'd finished paying these bills I looked at Dog, who was busy destroying his toy of the month, and pondered my lot in life. I decided that if I was going to be a personal accountant to a dog, then I'd be the best damn personal accountant a dog could ever hope for.
"Don't worry," I whispered in his hairy ear. "I'll save you from this candy-ass, canine debutante bullshit. The first thing we're gonna do is find you something dead to roll on. Then I'll feed you Chef Boyardee ravioli straight from the can. Then I'll take you to the park and teach you how to catch squirrels."
A glimmer of hope appeared in Dog's big, brown eyes. Then he dropped the drool-drenched toy in my lap, rolled over, and licked his balls, which I'm pretty sure was his way of saying "thanks". Either that, or the Maison D'Amour purchase was taking effect...