The Road to Insanity Begins With The Furby

by Jonathan Dy

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[Editor's Note: Jonathan wrote this before the holidays]

I went to The Eaton Center in downtown Montreal today with my good buddies Mike and Mark and to tell you the truth, I really didn't mind our little excursion. I'm not exactly the biggest shopping fan, but it was good to get out after endless weeks of exams and papers and late-night cramming.

  There was one store in the Eaton Center that caught our attention. I don't recall the name of the store but it was a toy store on the basement floor. For some very odd reason, one of my friends, who's name I will withhold from you, so we will call him Ike, is totally obsessed with these things called Furbies.

  Now, I'm sure most of you have already heard of this, as it is currently the craze as was 'Tickle Me Elmo' last year. Ike was looking for one and at a reasonable price, he would purchase it. For him, a reasonable price for this fur ball is in the $40-50 range. $40 TO $50!!! For a ten-centimeter tall stuffed doll!!!

  Sorry I forgot, for those who have been living off the planet for the past few months, a Furby is a ten centimetre tall ball of fur, as I have just mentioned, but also strikingly significant in it's appearance is that it looks exactly like a Gremlin, only squished. Now, everyone knows what a Gremlin is right? Yeah it looks so much like that good-guy Gremlin, what's his name... Gizmo? Picture a baby Gizmo of various colours and there you go, you have just invented a Furby.

  They say no two Furbies are alike. Oooooh... makes me wanna buy one!!! You know what all you Furby fans, and this goes for you too Ike, what say you give ME $30 and I'll MAKE you a custom-made Furby! I can do it, I know what a Gremlin looks like, I can squish a Gremlin down to 10 centimetres too ya know?

  Okay, okay a piece of info that I'm overlooking here is that the thing can talk. The fucken fur ball talks. Apparently it can give each other colds as well, which means, you must buy two Furbies for the full entertainment effect, unless your friend happened to get one too for Christmas, which is most unlikely because at $50 a pop, they ain't the most affordable toy on the market. You know what I forgot to mention?

  (I hadn't planned out what I was going to write, I'm just writing on pure madness and confusion here)

  Well the reason I mentioned that toy store in the Eaton's Center in downtown Montreal was because when we finally found them Furbies, we discovered that the man there was selling them for, are you ready... I hope you're sitting down for this... TWO-HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!

  If I trade in my '86 Civic, I can get MAYBE 2 Furbies. Actually, I doubt that cuz the tax on two-hunny ain't that light. Can you imagine people paying $228 for a ball of coloured Cottonelle with eyes???

  Geez, and I thought those Star Wars action figures I asked for when I was small were expensive, what were they five, six bucks each? The funny thing is, people are actually falling for these things. They're selling faster than Beanie fucken Babies!

  OHHHH, there's another piece of junk I would like to touch on for a second of your precious time. What... the HELL... is up... with fuckin Beanie babies! Are these things stuffed with magic beans? Because when a fuckin doll that can fit in my hand can sell for $999 according to The Home Shopping Network (which might not be the cheapest/most honest place to buy stuff), and is not more than a year old, there's gotta be something in it of immense value. That scamming toy store at the Eaton Center was selling some of em for roughly $35 each!!! But some of the "retired" ones go for hundreds of dollars apiece! To use the same example, if I sold my '86 Civic, I wouldn't even be able to afford certain Beanies, and in some cases, not even half of one. Our world has gone mad I tell you. It has even gone to the point where Ike couldn't even TOUCH a goddamn furby. The conversation went something like this:

Ike: Hi, I was just wondering how much your Furbies are.

Scamming Bastard Store Owner (SBSO): Two hundred dollars!!!

Ike: TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?!?!?!? (a response which seemed to offend ScamBast)

SBSO: yeah well have you seen it anywhere else?

Ike: yeah I guess not. Can I just see one of them please?

SBSO: NO, I cannot take it out of the box!

Ike: No, I just wanna see it, I won't take it out.

SBSO: Well, are you going to buy it???

Ike: no, I just wanna see it.

SBSO: no this is in mint condition, I cannot bring it to the counter unless you want to buy it.

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