by Jonathan Dy
What I am about to tell you occurred a while back but I feel it is necessary to let you people know. If you have read a past article on the topic of the race of "Peeping Squirrels" that we must be aware of, there is a bit of info that I forgot to mention concerning these very squirrels. The point I was aiming for was that squirrels are becoming very smart and are pretty much planning on taking over our planet. The purpose of this update is to strengthen my theory...
Driving home one day from downtown, I was stopped at a red light on a very busy intersection. To my right, I witnessed nothing out of the ordinary, but at the street corner to my left, I saw something very peculiar.
There was a squirrel standing at the edge of the curb and apparently, it was waiting for the light to turn green so that it could cross the road!
Now, I can hear the common-folk skeptics with their "Jon is an idiot and he is just a total nutcase" yada yada yada... I'm telling you, fellow humans, these squirrels know what's going on.
Okay, you can find the occasional squashed squirrel on the side or in the middle of the road, but it was revealed after studying their patterns, that those were 'old school' squirrels, not part of the new evolutionary 'Peepers'. Rarely will one find a member of the new breed plastered on the road, they're much too smart (i.e. waiting for a green light to cross the road).
Back to my story, the squirrel stood there and as our light turned green, it proceeded in crossing the street and making its way up a maple tree on the other side, most likely some sort of hidden observation center from which it researches attitudes and behaviours of passing humans. While it is possible that the squirrel was in fact waiting for the light to change before it crossed the street, it is also possible, and this may be a little less likely, that the squirrel was prostituting itself on that street corner.
Either way, my theory of a super-sexual, highly intelligent specimen of rodentus-squirrelus is supported. Think what you will folks, but I plead with you to take precautions in the presence of the omnipotent rodent we like to call the Peeping Squirrel of North America.
"I see the evolution of a new breed of squirrel that may create a chaotic environment in which the human race and the squirrel race will fight to total extinction. Only certain upper-class citizens will witness the first of the species as all other lower-class peoples will doubt the new breed's existence. It seems to me that these squirrels will be highly perverted and might have some sort of hypnotic powers, so beware peoples of tomorrow!"
(my great-great-grandfather apparently said this too... yesterday)