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by Viki Reed You're sitting at home. Your 401K is worthless, you can't afford a loan on a new car, your property isn't worth refinancing, you're worried about having another kid and suddenly something on the television snatches your focus... "Hi, I'm Warren Beatty, President of the United States, and you're watching E! Television." In the good old days, (BR: Before Reagan) the phrase: "When an actor becomes President of The United States"- was synonymous with "When hell freezes over", "When pigs fly", or "When pigs freeze while flying over hell." Aside from being notorious with the ladies, Beatty has about as much in common with a career politician as say, comedienne Cybill Shephard. Forgetting for the minute, that Shephard, (who's apparently come out publicly in favor of shiny hair-color and menopause among other key domestic issues) has been mentioned as a candidate. Yes, for President. Okay, Gloria Allred (a.k.a. Gloria Allwrong) was the source of the statement, "Cybill is seriously considering thinking about it." Phew. As long as she's contemplating the contemplation we don't have to worry about her singing the National Anthem accapella at her inauguration. With Shephard out of the race, we're left with the other Reform Party potentials: Beatty, Donald Trump, Pat Buchanan, and Oprah Winfrey. Minnesota Governor-professional-wrestler, Jesse Ventura-who has professed a desire to be reincarnated as a brassiere, openly welcomes Donald Trump and Pat Buchanan as assets to the Reform Party Movement. Kind of like having Shields and Yarnell welcome you to their mime troupe, in terms of legitimacy. "The Donald" Trump is going to have to participate in a moon landing to get more camera time than he has since announcing his political ambitions. The notorious power-junkie-cum-New York real estate tycoon with a net worth of about $5 billion, would increase his own tax bill by at least $725 million if he "could win" (The Presidency). He really thinks that by sacrificing himself: he's instantly a great president. It's difficult for Trump to envision things that don't require cutting a big ribbon with a giant pair of scissors at the outset. One can almost feel your core body temperature drop when visualizing the Trump's Secretary of State, promoter Don King, referring to the President as "Mr. Donald". When Trump's advisors convince him that there is no such thing as a "First Girlfriend," he'll drop out of the race unequivocally, leaving the mocking to Us: We, The Little People. If you listen to Trump, try closing your eyes and picturing him wearing tights; you'll think Batman was running for president. Dubitable as it seems, there is someone who's ego is so colossal that he will run even though he can't win. When Pat Buchanan was asked why he was skipping California's March 7 primary ballot; his campaign spokesman stated their focus was on the November elections and, "We're not going to spend our money in a beauty contest." This is really good because Pat wouldn't satisfy the swimsuit competition regulations and probably wouldn't go for taping his breasts in place. Buchanan who's demonstrated a command of offensiveness over his years in public service in the Senate, is chiefly experienced in being louder than Michael Kingsley these days. The life of a world leader is more complex than appearing on "Crossfire," not that he seems to realize that. If Buchanan was elected, it's not a stretch to imagine the Oval-Office plastered with post-it notes reading: "Remember: Stop mentioning white people! "; "When talking about reproductive rights, don't mention Satan"; "Remember, not everyone you need money from believes in Jesus." - "Smile more, Pat! We Love You!" Only inches behind Buchanan is Hollywood raisin, actor Warren Beatty. As if we're all privately chanting for his candidacy to happen; the 63-year old dangles his decision off-camera, just like his sex-appeal. Common to show - biz types, this is called being a "performing-hyphenate". You know: actor - producer - screenwriter - director - stuntman - voice-overs - stand-up comic - singer - cold reading coach-president of the free world. Commander In Chief is not a Harrison Ford movie. The phrase "Highest Office In The Land" has nothing to do with Robert Downey Jr. Casting Halle Berry and making a romantic film about the Marxist Movement in the U.S. doesn't prepare you for satisfying PACs, press, and We, The People. To talk about political liabilities without mentioning Beatty's sister, Shirley Maclaine would be like saying Billy Carter was the very aura of restraint and temperance. Arnold Schwarzenegger, actor-body builder-producer-Austrian says in the September `99 issue of Talk magazine that he's thinking about running for the California governorship in 2002. Governor Schwarzenegger, that's what California needs: a foreigner who's Dad was a Nazi, (can anyone ever not be a Nazi... anymore?). Maybe the key is not giving someone the title of Mr. Universe to begin with. How do you come down from that honor? Be afraid: Arnold is a strategist. He wouldn't be aiming for statesmanship if the White House wasn't in his sites. He will be back. My favorite Reform Party Wild Card candidate is Oprah. President Oprah. You know she'll make Tina Turner her running mate. Sistuh Tina and Oprah will be changin' some things, un-Hunh. That's the way she talks. If you thought Clinton was slumming it by putting on a flannel shirt and standing next to hurricane victims, wait until you see President Winfrey grabbin' Prime Minister Tony Blair's ass. "I just had to goose that thang. Isn't he irresistible?!" I'm sure the cabinet heads will benefit from the morning "Remembering Your Spirit" prayer circles. I'm sure when the country goes into deep depression, Oprah will be right there, saying, "Give all the bills to Steadman. I can't look at those thangs." The toughest decision a celebrity has to make these days is appearing ugly on film; doesn't Veto power belong in the hands of someone infinitely more qualified... the President of the Screen Actors Guild at least? |
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