Wisdom Through Humor
Floating Brown Log

Anonymous a.k.a. Captain Kirk

Why is it that sometimes one has to go to the bathroom at the most inopportune moments?

I was hustling back to my friends' house where I was staying for the week, trying to get a bag of ice into the freezer before it melted. The ten minute walk back worked up the Wendy's big Beacon Classic I had enjoyed a few hours prior; I felt trouble coming on.

I upped my pace but that made matters worse as I could suddenly feel unbridled pressure from inside. Rounding the corner the house became visible and I was in range for relief. Upon arrival I yelled to my friends through the screen door to let me in. There was no answer, however, this did not stop me from trying to open the door myself - unsuccessfully.

A tall girl dressed in loose pants and a radiating white tank top, did quietly walk over and open the door. This was one of the many enchanting roommates sharing the small house. I had noticed this girl before and I wanted to maintain a certain level of charm, unfortunately my body was working on a fart that was going to register with the weather center.

I knew the layout of the house, and the location of the bathroom was not going to provide me with the privacy I was going to require, not to mention the stench was going to overshadow any charm I already poured on. Sounding like a person ready to give birth I asked another tenant in the house where my friends had migrated too. I was not pleased to hear that my friends had gone to the beach. Using a beach toilet is like kissing a dead hooker - putrid, cold and germ infested.

Walking like C3P0, I found my friends enjoying themselves in the water and I quickly went to join them.

One could probably now guess where this is heading but the activity of swimming in the waves and running into the water worked up a force beyond my control. I swam out as far as could to distance myself from the innocent by standers. I could hold it no longer, I dropped my shorts as I floated inconspicuously and gave parturition to a floating brown log. When I saw my bowel creation, my abdominal relief was followed by sheer terror. The length of the specimen was horrifying.

It started to float towards the shore heading right for the crowded beach. I began to create a current with my hands to reverse the log's course. This was working well until a wave hit me from behind. I had lost sight of it and couldn't see it in any direction.

I got out of the water, joined my friends and headed back to the house. I really hope some kid wasn't playing in the sand when a big brown water snake washed up beside him. Sorry everybody.


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