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by Michael Appleby I've had a beef with women for quite a while now and my beef is that for some insane reason I am single. It totally baffles me when I see an attractive woman on the arms of some dolt who will eventually wind up mistreating her, breaking her heart, and ultimately discarding her for a younger woman with bigger boobs, bigger bank accounts, and an insatiable hunger for sloppy, happy sex. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that these men who have these women are about as genuinely in love as Janet Reno is in love with being the sexy seductress that she is. Not to say Janet Reno isn't a sexy seductress, but if you're going to have a goon squad remove one little kid from a house at gunpoint we're not talking about the most entrancing lady at the ball. Wait, where was I? So anyway, it really gets my goat that women give these ignorant beasts the time of day and then when they're crying on my shoulder (for some reason women always cry when they see me) they are lamenting that all they really want is "a nice guy." The word "nice" is tossed around so much I'm struggling to figure out what the ladies mean when they say "nice" guys. I originally thought it meant men who would stick it out through thick and thin to make a relationship work, who would respect his significant other, and lavish gifts upon her. And yet when I see the men these women date, "nice" seems to refer to that special guy whose belch can be heard from across the crowded mall like the mighty call of the majestic moose. It seems to refer to that special guy whose idea of an evening out is chicken wings at Hooters followed by an engagement with Monster Trucks at the nearest stadium. Alas, now we've arrived at the problem I have with the women who insist on dating these "nice" guys. Fundamentally, the problem is that the word "nice" has become synonymous with words like "redneck," "jackass," and "thoughtless bastard." When you're a word guy like me, the meaning of words is an important matter. I don't say "orange" when I mean "banana" and I don't say "pen" when I mean "pencil." The problem these "nice" guys create is that as a society we have to revise the English thesaurus. We have to revise the English dictionary. We have to take all of our past encounters with the word "nice" and put them all into context lest some of the greatest literary works in history are tarnished by these wacky definitions of today. Most people don't realize this, but for a word guy like me it's painfully obvious: it all equates into more work than I care to handle. It would all be just a little simpler if you women would say what you mean. Don't cry to me that you're looking for "a nice guy" because you clearly aren't. And that's okay. You should just cry to me, "I only want that one guy who will treat me the worst, try to get into my pants every waking moment, and then dump me when his pants point him in a new direction." Or you can just grab a dictionary or thesaurus and use the proper terminology for a change and prevent hundreds of years of headaches on the part of word people like me who will be forced to reinterpret the word "nice" as your constant misinterpretations of the word "nice" dictate. If you could just do that for me it would be much appreciated on my part. Thank you on behalf of anybody who likes the meaning of words as they already are. "Nice Guy" by Michael Appleby originally appeared as "A Plea for Sanity on Behalf of the Word 'Nice'" in Jagged: a sharp online magazine. Visit Jagged at www.jaggedmag.com |
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